The post about some injuries, some accolades and a busy month

Pictures taken this past week. I like the way I look in all of them. I'm curvy and I think
I look strong. Strong and healthy is my goal. Big giant head in top left pic:-)

• So I touched on not feeling 100% in my last post. It's true. I have been ignoring...avoiding...pretending like they're not really there, some pains I've been having. You know, hoping they'll just go away on their own. They haven't. I go for my physio assessment on Wednesday. My physio guy Graham is no longer at Highland Physio in Dundas. But I did track him down to Meadowlands Physio in Ancaster, so I booked my assessment with him. I got discharged from physio in December 2013. I've almost gone a year pain free. But running and gym stuff does wear and tear on your body. It was only a matter of time before I had to go back. Physio is not a bad thing, it will keep me running. 
• New and improved pains include neck (can't comfortably check my blind spot) and right rotator cuff. My old left hamstring injury is back too. I can feel it quite pronounced when I run long distance. So I'm basically a mess. And even rest (2 weeks off exercise while in Europe) did not help. So I'm getting real and getting this stuff dealt with. I need to run, bottom line.
• I am still in therapy for my self esteem issues. Haven't talked about this in a while. Although I am still a work in progress and y'all may have gotten sick of hearing how much I love myself, I still struggle day to day about how I feel about me and how I see myself. Shocking, right? That after almost 2 years on maintenance, I am still struggling with the same shit. But that's my reality and the reality of anyone who has dealt with a big weight loss. It takes a lot of time for my inner self to see what you all see. And I so appreciate all your kind words. They help tremendously. But this is not something that is fixable overnight. I wish it was that easy, and I'm holding out hope that one day, my mind will catch up with what I see in the mirror.
• So this week I took some pictures of myself as per my therapists advice. Not daily like she wants me to but enough so that I can appreciate how I look. I never give myself enough credit. And I rarely know how to respond when I get credit from others. 
• One of the best compliments I can get is from a total stranger who has no idea where I've been and is shocked to find out I weighed 300+ pounds at one time. It happened on the plane ride home from London. A couple I was sitting beside and chatting with questioned why I wouldn't eat the pasta dinner or the chicken wrap option offered.  I can hide my flaws well and when I explained a bit about my journey, they were truly shocked. And the wife actually refused to believe me until I showed her my before picture from my phone (always keep one handy in case I think of eating off plan). That kind of response makes me realize that I need to give myself credit where credit is due. I should be proud of my accomplishments. There are so many others in my life who are, and I never give myself accolades when I should.
• This means I am going to work on appreciating my appearance much more than I have been. Whether I post a picture on Instagram or Tweet something I like about myself, it's important that I feel love and appreciation for me. I can see beauty in everyone...unless you have an ugly heart, but I need to appreciate the beauty in myself too. Weight loss isn't as cut and dry as I expected. Not only is maintenance a lot of hard work, but so is body acceptance. This is so different than what I envisioned in my mind when I started my weight loss journey 3 years ago. I never prepared myself for the emotional repercussions of weight loss. 
• My body is finally back to it's happy place. I've no idea what I weigh right now...still, but I can say this with 100% conviction. I feel right once again in my skin and my clothes. Two weeks of running 5 days a week has gotten me back to where I am most comfortable. That and cutting out my weaknesses...nuts and fruit. I ate nuts today, and still eat one fruit serving a day, but more importantly, my metabolism has kicked itself into high gear again and my pace is even improving. Running is what works best for me. And even though I still bike and will get back to the gym once I address my injuries, running has to be my 5-day a week activity. I can't duplicate the cardio or calorie burn in any other activity. Running is my maintenance saviour.
• October is a busy month for me. It's Thanksgiving, Julien's birthday (7 on the 11th), and of course, Halloween. Not sure what's going on with family celebrations for next weekend, but I will plan a fun time for Julien. His party won't be until the 18th but he'll still get a special day on the 11th. Time has flown by. In another month I have to start thinking about Christmas again. And, although we're moved into the new house since July, I still need to paint it from top to bottom. This is when it would pay to be Samantha from Bewitched. Wish I could just snap my fingers and twitch my nose:-)

My runs from this week. It's been a while since I had a 40K week.

No grains, no gains - Dealing with body shape and body size changes

A group of Primal/Paleo/Grain Free women who blog about their experiences/life/benefits without grains. A great way for others (who may be WANTING TO LOSE WEIGHT, reverse an acute/chronic health trend, and/or transition from commercial weight loss programs) to read about real life women who are living the life and succeeding.

This month's topic is dealing with body shape and body size changes. This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart. It's no secret that last winter I had a bit of an emotional breakdown due to my self esteem issues. I got myself into therapy and I'm still attending therapy in regards to this. I'm going to let you in on a secret. Just because you lose the body weight equivalent of another adult woman does not mean you automatically feel good about yourself. That is the honest to God truth. Confidence is a lot of work. Just like maintenance. And it's something I struggle with everyday...just like maintenance.

I have been following the Paleo lifestyle since March 2013. I find Paleo the best option for me for maintenance. While I was still in active "weight-loss mode" I was somewhat leaner. I can tell the difference even if others couldn't. I was leaner but not necessarily stronger. I don't count portion size or calories on Paleo, but if I notice undesirable changes in my body, I cut out nuts, cut way down on fruit and stick to mostly protein and less starchy vegetables. Just making those changes will cause my body to return to what is my normal within a week. It's a foolproof system for me. 

I am slightly bigger following Paleo than I was when I first reached maintenance. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. My legs are muscular and I feel strong. I feel that even though I'm curvier, I'm stronger. As long as I keep up with my running and exercise regime and am on point with my eating, my body stays the way it should. Funny that for the first time in my life I do not own a scale. I was obsessed with the scale my entire life. It had the ability to make or break my day. I haven't been on a scale since July when I got weighed during my fitness assessment at the gym. Prior to that, I hadn't been on one since early spring of 2014. Crazy you say? Maybe, but I'm in pretty good tune with my body and I can tell when things are off. 

I was doing strength training at the gym. This was definitely a good thing for me because I have zero upper body strength. I found that the gym made me super hungry and I was eating all the time. I also started running less which was not such a good thing for me. Running lots and eating Paleo works best for my body. The running keeps my metabolism up so I can eat without worrying about counting calories or portions. I haven't been to the gym in a month. I definitely need to go back, but I've had to booked an appointment with my family doctor to have my right rotator cuff checked out. I'm not sure if I damaged or tore it at the gym, but it has been aching me since before I went to Stockholm/London. To the point that it bothers me at night and causes my entire arm to ache. Right now I'm focusing solely on running again and I'm back to running 5 days per week. Although I considered going to the gym in the interim to do some yoga and pilates, I'm hesitant to do anything that will require I use my arms/shoulders because I don't want to do further damage.

So do I accept my body the way it is now? There is always room for improvement. I'm still a work in progress. I have definitely come a long way, but my self perception is still trying to catch up with how everyone else sees me. I do like what I see when look in the mirror, but the way I envision myself in my mind is completely different than how others see me. It's hard to understand unless you have lost the body weight equivalent to 2 Irish Setters (140 pounds). It's a constant struggle but one that I will continue to tackle because the alternative is not an option. I have said it before and I'll say it again. Nothing tastes better than missing out on my son's life or my good health. I've worked hard to get where I am and I'll be damned if I go back to where I started. Nothing I could eat is worth that!

Check out my blogging peeps. They're going to share their views on their personal body changes/issues/acceptance. Everyone has different experiences. Looking forward to seeing their take on this subject.

For Life
Garden Girl

Picture on left taken the summer of 2011. Picture on the right taken one week ago.

The post about a London adventure, feeling shite and getting back to reality

Flight from Stockholm to London...then at my lodging in London!

Thanks to Lynda over at Living the Life, I was able to recreate my lost blog from last week. If you've already read this, skip over it. If not, you can still skip over it. I re-entered it for me to be honest:-) Thanks all the same Lynda. You rock!!!!

What an adventure I have had. Time to return to reality:-) And trust me, I'm so happy to be home with my family. It was definitely hard being away from Julien. Especially since he was cast a few days before I left. He is no longer in a cast. Turned out his broken fibula was just a sprain. Thank goodness!!!!

I traveled from Stockholm to London on the 16th. I had a hard time that day. I was missing my family. And I was nervous to be traveling to London alone. Getting from Heathrow to Central London seemed a daunting task. And it was. I landed at the most inopportune time. Five pm. That's right. I got into London during rush hour. I was stuck in a subway car with no escape at 6:30pm. Luckily some Londoner in a suit took pity on me and got me out of the Tube at my stop. I think crying uncontrollably helped!

I stayed in Camden in Central London. Which was awesome. Walking distance to everywhere. And surprisingly enough I knew about a lot of places in London from the historic romance novels I read. Hangs head in shame...

Sites seen around London:-)

• I was blessed to meet some really awesome people in London. I was treated like a Queen. I met up with Frank whom I follow on Twitter. He took me around London on foot. I honestly have no idea how far we walked, but we walked a lot. Such a gentleman Frank was. We've been friends on Twitter for a while and it was a pleasure to finally meet him.
• I also met with my best friend's cousin. We haven't seen each other since the "wedding party" seven years ago, so it was super great to catch up! Val took me to Cafe Rouge at Hays Galleria for salad and wine. Lots of laughing an a fun evening!
• I also had the very humbling privilege of meeting with a couple of my favorite bloggers Tanvee and Ayesha. Such an awesome experience and such beautiful women inside and out. And I got to meet Tanvee's extremely lovely husband Terrence. Such a great person and they are so incredibly cute together! 

Clockwise: Ayesha, Tanvee and Terrence, Val, Frank

Something that was not on point during my vacation? My exercise and food consumption. I ran the half marathon with Tanya on the 13th...and that's it. Yes I walked a lot, but didn't run again until yesterday morning. I ran a pretty brutal 6K. I knew it wasn't going to be fun, but I sucked it up and did it. I felt better for having gotten out there. This evening I'm cycling 21K up the escarpment and back down. Need to just get right back into doing what I need to do. 

While away I definitely over indulged. In wine and cheese. No grains, but wine, cheese and sauces. In Sweden the cheese is ridiculously delicious. Cheese and dates and wine. And in London, the blue cheese is equally delicious. I have eaten more cheese in the past couple of weeks than I have in the last year before that! So how did my digestive system do with all this cheese? It got used to it. Dairy no longer bothers me. This is not good! So starting yesterday...No more dairy! And wine only on the weekend again. And only protein and veggies grown above ground for the next month. I feel bloated and ugh! My clothing still fits, but doesn't feel right. I don't have a scale since we moved but I will be weighing in at the gym. I need to detoxify.

And I need to start running regularly again. Running is my favorite exercise. It's what works me the hardest and I felt best physically and emotionally when I ran 5 days a week. So starting yesterday, I'm going back to my 5-day running schedule. Mondays and Fridays are my running rest days. Today I'm going to cycle, but in the future those are the days I'll be going to the gym. So I aim to be active everyday of the week. 

Next month I find out if I'm going to be heading back over the pond in April to run the London Marathon. If I get a lottery spot, it will be my first and likely only marathon. My Morton's Neuroma makes it very difficult for me to run long distance. The half marathon and 30K is doable for me. Doable but painful. Adding another 12K onto that could be torturous. But if given the opportunity, I'd have to do it. It will be a challenge and I won't back down from a challenge.

So here I am. Back in reality. It's great to be home with my family again. I missed them loads. And Skype is an awesome thing. Even when you're far away, you don't feel like it. Back to work today. A crisp fall day it's going to be. My favorite time of year for the clothing options. And I'm bringing my lunch. Two cans of salmon, broccoli and lots of cucumber. Today is day 2 of Operation Detoxify European Vacation. I'm not even going to remotely whine or complain. I could have done things differently and chose not to. So now it's time to pay the piper. And I need to just do it:-)

Drank cappuccino every day here in London. Apparently I am the nations favorite coffee place:-)