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| My first real smile in a while...and a good bang day:) |
- Today I felt semi-normal for the first time in a long time. I put on make up. Did my hair. Smiled. I had my first therapy session and a massage right afterwards. Therapy went pretty well. I wasn't sure I would click with the therapist when we first started out. She was pretty scattered and 20 minutes late! But once we started talking, I enjoyed her approach with me and she gave me some useful advice that I will follow up with. She has treated self esteem issues before, in a very similar case. She also gave me home work. She knows I write a blog. I'm supposed to photograph myself and say what I like about my photo. So here goes...
- I took the photos this afternoon. I like my neck and collar bones. I liked my hair today. I like the shape of my eyebrows (I plucked them myself). I like that I didn't force my smile today. I liked what I was wearing today. That's all I got for ya. I'm supposed to do this everyday. I won't be posting this everyday. No need to bore you with my self love. But it's a start.
- Right after my counselling session, I went to see my massage therapist. I haven't seen him since before Christmas. He thought I broke up with him and was seeing someone else. I assured him that I was not. My body was in desperate need of a massage for sure. He gave me a general tune up and I gotta tell you, I was tense and anxious the entire time. He kept having to tell me to relax. I haven't felt this self conscious in front of him since he began massaging me over a year ago. He told me I looked great. He also told me that he could feel definite muscle definition in my glutes and hamstrings. So the hill repeats (#peachreps) did build up my ass muscles. Hearing him compliment me was hard though.
- We talked a bit about my self esteem issues. He totally got it, and he told me that he often forgets that I was morbidly obese. He's never read my blog or seen a before picture of me. He told me that he massages a lot of athletes and that we all have similar body types. That was interesting to me because I figured if anyone could see my imperfections, it would be him. I've booked to see him again after I run the Bay. I'm going to keep on top of the massage. It's definitely therapeutic. Although I was tense for most of the session, when he flipped me over and worked on my neck, I almost fell asleep. Maybe I'll pay him $80 just to do that for an hour next time!
- Everyday things seem to get a little easier. I actually got work done the last two days. I was able to focus and be productive. This has lightened the load on my shoulders too. Once I'm caught up with my paperwork, I should be less anxious. I have the next two days planned out. Although I'm seeing a couple of clients, I have everything that I need to do organized in a nice neat pile. It will be done by Monday for sure!
- My last two runs have been better. I ran in daylight both days. Daylight savings time is this weekend. The days get longer, but the morning gets darker:( So I run in the dark again starting Tuesday. For a few more weeks anyway. I think I have a touch of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) on top of everything else. This has been a brutal winter. Especially to run in. I am so done with it. Even when it is bitterly cold, if the sun is out, it lifts my spirits a bit.
- My emotional state is improving. I haven't cried for a couple days. That's progress right? That in itself is a huge difference from last week. The photos below depict what my emotional state was a week ago. I only had enough time to put my hair behind my shoulders and I went from looking relatively normal to crying. My husband asked me something, but in his defence, it could have been "what did you have for lunch"? Bottom line is this. I am healthy, my family is healthy. I have a good job and lots of people who care about me. I have a lot to be thankful for. There are people who are really suffering and way worse off than me. I need to put things into perspective and carry on. Simple right? So why does it feel like a vice grip is crushing my chest most of the day? That is what I need to escape. I think the answer is in my therapy, getting better sleep and the changing seasons. I have a doctor's appointment on the 19th to discuss medication. I'm hopeful that by then I'll be doing better on my own. Two people have suggested melatonin to help me sleep at night. I think I'm gonna give it a try. It's natural and is also said to be effective in treating SAD. I'm getting some tomorrow. I need to stop being SAD and work on being glad...
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| See how important good posture is? |