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| Taken this morning. |
- I have not done my therapist's suggested homework in 9 days. Laziness? Not really, it's just awkward to say nice things about myself. Well that's not completely true. I can say lots of nice things about my character, but my appearance is a different story. So this morning I took a picture and I'll tell you what I said about it. It was pretty lame. I like my hair, I like that I wasn't wearing make-up and looked okay, I like the white shirt I'm wearing, I like that my eyes are smiling. That's it. My very good friend Liz added to that list on Facebook and I loved her list. She said she loved my gorgeous brown eyes, the natural colour of my lips and my super cute freckles. I like those things about me too. Thanks for getting me to look deeper Liz:)
- I forget about my freckles. It's not easy to see them in pictures. They're more noticeable in person. I got them in the 90's while visiting South Africa during their summer. It happened during a braai on Boxing Day. In case you're wondering, braai is Afrikaans for barbeque. I spent 20 minutes in the sun without sunscreen and got a horrible burn across my nose. Once the burn blistered and peeled, it left freckles. And I still got em. The moral of this story? Always wear sunscreen!
- Wednesday morning I woke up at my regular time. Waited around till 7am and headed out for my run just when the snow started flying. I was working from home because we were expecting 20cm of snow. I got a 6K in and my pace was slow (7:03/km). I'm blaming it on the elements. Although it was just the beginning of the storm, it was snowing sideways in my face and it hurt! There was also a light dusting of snow on the ground which made it slippery.
- Thursday morning I woke up and was supposed to run 7K. I just could not get my head around it. There was 20cm of newly fallen snow, it was -25C, and the roads/sidewalks were not cleared. Normally I would accept this challenge, but I felt defeated yesterday morning and decided to switch out my rest day. I ran my 7K this morning which means I run tomorrow morning (6K), then 25K Sunday before I get to rest on Monday. The Bay is 2.2 weeks away. I don't even know if I'm anxious about it. I just want it to be done.
- This morning's run was brutal. Is there not a law about clearing your walkway after a snowfall? I ran through snow that was soft and sand like. And I ran through down town, so a lot of the uncleared snow was in front of businesses. My quads were on fire when I got home and they're still a little sore.
- After the Bay, I don't think I'm going to train for anything major till I go to Stockholm to run the half marathon with Tanya in September. I want to get into the gym so that I can work on getting stronger. I'm still going to run, but I just wanna run for fun and fitness. Training is a lot of pressure. And with all that's been going on lately, I haven't been enjoying running as much as I did. I want to LOVE it again. So I think if I take the pressure away, it'll get better. And I want to teach another running clinic. I'm joining the gym after I run the Bay.
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| Left: Pictures of my baby girl, Elsa. She passed away in 2005 from cancer. Right: How I don't see myself unless I look in the mirror. |
- In the comparison photos above, I can definitely see how much work I put into getting fit. I do like the way I look on the right. But that's not how I look in my mind when I don't see myself. Someone asked me if I had Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I do not. When I see myself in the mirror, I have a hard time believing that the person I'm looking at is me. Since I'm not in front of a mirror all day, my mind wanders to the way I have seen myself the majority of my life. And that is where I get stuck. I need to get unstuck! I can't ever forget about who I was, but I need to move forward and work on accepting who I have become.
- Last night I went out to dinner with my childhood friend Nokomis. We hadn't hung out since January 3rd, so there was lots to catch up on. Last year we saw each other once. But you know the kind of friends who no matter how long you spend apart, when you see each other again, it's like time has stood still? That's Nokomis to me. We've done much better this year. I've seen her 5 times in a 5 month period. That's a HUGE improvement.
- I have been taking melatonin for about a week. My sleeps are definitely deeper and I get about 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep now. That's an improvement from the 4 hours of interrupted sleep I was getting the month before. My eating has been improving as well. Thank goodness! There were times when I was worried about how I was going to stay fuelled for runs. Especially the long runs. But I have been hungrier and I'm eating enough. I haven't passed out during a long run yet. I've only got one more long run before the Bay. I'm looking forward to getting it over with:)
- My anxiety has been better this week. I have been able to recognize when I'm getting anxious and preoccupy myself when I need to. The only thing that worries me is that I'll have a panic attack while with a client. I work with a hard to serve population and I have found myself getting anxious while with clients. Stuff that normally wouldn't phase me has started to affect me. Although I was hoping to not have to go on medication , I may need something to help me with the anxiety. I see Dr. Pitt on Wednesday for a medication consultation.
- Today it is sunny. The snow is melting, and although it's going to drop to the negative for a few days on Sunday, the temperatures are all in the pluses after that. Spring is really and truly coming. That in itself makes me happy. And makes me look forward to running on cleared side walks. I can't wait to go running on my favourite trail where I used to walk Finn. I can't run on it in the winter because it's not cleared. That will make my heart happy for sure. Running where my beautiful boy love it so much:)
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| From the archives. My last walk with Finn. |