Poonapalooza: Dream on

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Dream on

Spiderman...the captor of my heart.

One of the most asked questions I get from people who have been in my life a long time is...why now? I've touched on this before and as I approach the one year anniversary of my "lifestyle" change (September 17th), I'm thinking a lot about a dream I used to have quite frequently. Last summer I would vividly dream about being healthy and in shape. Although I haven't reached goal yet, I'm having moments of deja vu. I realize now that the deja vu I'm experiencing is my old dream.

In my dream, I could feel my hip bones and bones all over my body in general. Much like I do now. But the dream was so realistic that I would wake up thinking for sure it wasn't a dream and I just woke up in a "fit" body. If only! Since life doesn't work that way, I knew that I would have to do something to get to my "healthy place" because since I had a taste of it, I craved it and wanted to feel the real thing.

What is different now is that I just knew it was time. I knew I had to get control of my life once and for all. The dream (paired with the trip to Virginia) was, in a sense, my catalyst and I just knew that I had to act on it. I had made the effort to quit smoking (after 15 years) in 2000 to be a healthier person, but I continued to kill myself with food. Once my son was born, I looked into gastric bypass surgery, and almost went that route, but in one last ditch effort to not do something I thought was my last resort (the surgery), I got the referral to Dr. Poon's clinic from my family doctor, and the rest is history.

So many times I hear people say that they would do anything for their children, that they would die for their children. I had to get healthy for my son so I could live for him. Last summer I could do nothing with him due to my size and lack of energy. I would just lie around claiming I was too tired to play, or leave the house. This has been the best summer I have ever had. I did so much with my family and we had so much fun and made tons of memories. I'm relieved my son can't remember last summer when all I said was "no" to his requests to do something with me. Makes me sad to think that I let him down.

So in answer to the very legitimate question of "why now"...because I really will do anything for my son and because I want to be part of his life, not just in it. I thought (and everyone else assumed) I loved food most in my life because I was 130 pounds overweight. But this past year has taught me that I actually love my family much more than I could ever love any food. And I have learned to love myself more. Much more than I ever thought possible. I can't picture myself lying on the couch eating a bag of Lay's chips ever again. The thought makes me very anxious and uneasy.

After I admitted to eating 4 cups of popcorn last week instead of the allowed 2 cups, some friends and family asked me what the big deal was. The big deal is that I ate the popcorn because it was there. I ate it because I could. I was reverting back into "bingy" behaviour, and for me it is just so not worth it. That's exactly the kind of behaviour that got me to almost 300 pounds. That is why it is such a big deal and why I have to make the concerted effort not to repeat it. Brings me back to a place I don't ever want to be again. Not in control of myself or my eating. I have way to much to live for. What about you?