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| The real estate pictures of my house. |
Today, right now, this moment, is one of the hardest times I've had since Finn died in November. My house is officially up for sale. I didn't think I'd feel so shitty this morning. The week seemed like it was done in slow motion. I was just plodding along, doing what needed to be done. I felt nothing until I woke up this morning. I knew the minute I opened my eyes that I felt extreme anxiety. I'm supposed to be running right now, and I can't get myself out the door.
I have a huge emotional connection to this house. I fell in love with it the minute I walked through the door. I just felt it. I knew instantly I wanted to buy it. Shortly after we moved in, Finn joined us. He lived his entire life here. I still picture him playing in the yard and sitting in his front window seat. His life was cut short for reasons I'm still angry about. But I have to accept them. All I have left are his memories and his ashes.
Julien was brought here after he was born and all his baby memories and early childhood memories happened within these walls. I know they will live on forever in my mind, just as Finn's will, but I can't help but feel as though I'm letting go of a time in my life that was so important to me. I have a new house that I will build new memories in. And I know that eventually it will feel like my home. It just breaks my heart to leave behind the home I love so much. Selling is the best decision for Julien though. He needs friends to play with and he's going to a better school. But it doesn't make it any easier to leave the house that means so much to me. My heart is very heavy right now.
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| My strongest memories. |