The post about a difficult anniversary

My favorite picture of my mom and I.

• Today marks the 11th anniversary of my mother's death. This is a hard week for me in general. She would have celebrated her 83rd birthday this past Sunday. While celebrating her birthday 11 years ago, I was extremely thankful that we got to see her to her 73rd year but had a heavy heart because I knew I was going to lose her for good at any moment. And even though we knew that her death was imminent and I thought I had prepared myself for that moment, nothing can really prepare you for having to say goodbye to a loved one for a final time.
• In the photo above I weighed 285 pounds. A bride always knows what she weighed on her wedding day. It's my favorite photo of us. It was my mother's special day. She planned my entire wedding and made my dress. She even chose the design of my dress. I gave her full creative licence over the wedding plans. It was important for me to give her that day. She was in the final stages of cancer and her happiness seemed much more important to me than stressing over minor wedding details. I'm glad I gave her that day because I lost her a short time later.
• My mother has never known me at a normal weight. Except for when I was a child (to the age of 7 or 8). My health issues were always a major concern for her. Although my son inspires me to keep the health and fitness part of my life up, I also think of my mother and how proud she would be of me right now. That is a huge motivator for me to continue living the lifestyle I do. I'd not want to let her down either.
• Eleven years seems like a long time. And it is. Although the pain from her loss isn't as pronounced as it was, I still think of her everyday. I can still get an uncontrollable wave of sadness come over me and it feels like I just lost her all over again. I had that feeling yesterday and ended up doing a rare evening run. I ran out of the gym. I completed an 8K run on the Rail Trail, then went into the gym and did an hour workout. It calmed me and the time I spent on the trail alone, I got lost in memories of her and my childhood.
• Today I reflect on her life and the time I got to spend with her. I will run again tonight and spend that time remembering what a special part of my life she was. She always had the ability to calm me like no one else. Although I have a lot of love in my life, no one will ever love me like she did and I'm thankful to have experienced that kind of love in my lifetime.

My mother's high school grad photo. Circa 1949

The post about a summer vacation, gym stuff and the "new sexy"

Summer fun:-)

• This past week I was off on holiday from work. The beginning of the week had just the three of us doing stuff together. Then I went to get my dad on Friday and we had fun with him over the weekend. We got a bunch of fun stuff in. Playdium/Wacky Wings, Canada's Wonderland, St. Jacobs, Niagara-on-the-Lake, and of course wine time for me. But I'm back to work today so it's back to the old grind. Wine time will take place mostly on weekends only again. At least for the next couple of weeks. Don't judge me. Wine is the only vice I have left and a glass of red a day has proven health benefits. 
• I have been going to the gym for a couple weeks now. I'm 6 sessions in. Four with a trainer, 2 solo. I have 3 trainer sessions left. I will say this about the gym. I am becoming more confident. What scared the hell out of me 2 weeks ago is becoming more and more comfortable for me. So I think I can totally do this! 
• I can already feel a difference in my body since going to the gym. The first session had me sore for days. My recovery is much quicker now. Although my muscles ache when my workout is done, I feel fine by the next morning. And where I was becoming soft (abdomen) , I am becoming more toned again. I am running 5 days a week and doing gym stuff 3x per week. I am also doing floor exercises at home when I'm not actually going to the gym. Stuff like push-ups, planks, crunches, clam shells. It has become my new routine and I'm grateful. I was really lost for a few months and I finally feel like I am back on track with my fitness.
• Although I was slacking with my running and activity, my eating always remained the same. This just proved to me though how very important the fitness part of my life is for me. I can eat on point but without exercise, I lose my fitness level very quickly. And even though all my clothes still fit and my weight didn't change, I felt my body get softer. Muscle loss can happen quickly. It was a valuable lesson for me for sure and one I'm grateful to have learned.
• I have been appreciating my body more and more. Even though there are still areas I want to work on, I am thankful to be able to do what I can do right now. I ran 12K on Sunday. That was my longest run since I ran The Bay at the end of March. And even though that doesn't seem like a long run considering what I've run in the past, it was a confidence booster for me because I was supposed to run 12K two weekends ago but had to stop at 10K due to a muscle spasm in my right quad. I'll add 2K per Sunday until I reach 20K. That will have me ready for the Stockholm Halv which happens on September 13th.
• Yesterday while I was using the elliptical at the gym, I was chatting to a woman next to me who asked me how long I'd been coming to the gym. I told her only two weeks. She was shocked and said that by the looks of me she would have guessed I had been coming for a long time. I smiled and thanked her for such a lovely comment. And it made me realize that I do need to be truly happy with my body right now. We always strive for something better, but even if my body were to stay exactly as it is, I have so much to be grateful for. I'm not looking to get a perfect body. That will never happen without surgery because that's the only thing that will correct my sagging boobs and bat wings. I am looking to get stronger so that I can become a better runner. The longer I can keep up a strong running form, the longer it will take me to tire and the further I can run before my toes start to cramp. And perfection is overrated anyway. Healthy is the new sexy:-)

No Gains, No Grains - Dealing with Skeptics

A group of Primal/Paleo/Grain Free women who blog about their experiences/life/benefits without grains. A great way for others (who may be wanting to lose weight, reverse an acute/chronic health trend, and/or transition from commercial weight loss programs) to read about real life women who are living the life and succeeding.

This Month's topic is about dealing with skeptics. Everyone has an opinion. Everyone is an expert. I did not follow Paleo to lose the weight I lost. I did that by following a low carb, low fat, low sodium, high protein diet developed by Dr. Pat Poon (who has several weight loss clinics throughout the greater Toronto area). It was still a grain-free diet. I adopted the Paleo lifestyle when I went on maintenance. But even when I started Dr. Poon's diet, the biggest skeptic I had to deal with was me.

I went into my first meeting at Dr. Poon's clinic with the attitude that although I'd listen to what they had to say, I'd not be following the diet. No processed carbs? There was no way that I thought I'd be able to pull that off. And I was also a believer of Canada's Food Guide. Because that's what I'd been taught my entire life. After hearing what the doctor from the clinic told me, things began to make more sense to me.

Processed carbs turn into sugar once digested which stores itself as fat. Some people's metabolisms can deal with this extra fat, mine cannot. I am a binge eater and my binge food of choice was processed carbs. And that's anything with grains. Pasta, rice, bread, crackers...those are the foods I binged on. Although I'd over-indulge in sweets as well, anything bready was my nemesis, and still is.

So I started to look at this morbid obesity thing as a serious food intolerance that I suffered from. Some people can't eat dairy, or suffer from serious food allergies. I can't eat grains because it affects my body in a very adverse way. Once I started thinking of grains like that, it became easier for me to stick to my eating plan. My skepticism went away and I knew that what I was told was 100% truth. I lost 132 pounds in 15 months. 

Once I reached maintenance, I became increasingly anxious because although I was at a healthy weight, the maintenance diet for Dr. Poon included reintroduction of grains (whole wheat and brown rice) back into the diet. I knew that with my prolific binging past, I couldn't handle even small amounts of these foods. That's when I found Paleo. I became familiar with Paleo from reading the blogs of others who were following grain-free diets and doing really well. I'm a long distance runner and I need to eat enough energy to fuel my runs. Paleo allows me to basically eat unlimited amounts of protein and veggies when I'm training. This gives me a food freedom I've never had before. Although I stick to the rules as close as possible (I follow the 85/15 rule; 85% Paleo, 15% other), it's structured and easy...exactly what I need.

So are there other skeptics in my life? The people who are close to me get it. They didn't always, but everyone has seen what results I've gotten from following a grain-free lifestyle and any doubts they've had have gone away. It's people that I'm acquaintances with, or people I just meet who question my sanity. I know this lifestyle is not for everyone. It wasn't the easiest of transitions, but once I got a couple weeks in, my body no longer craved the carbs or refined sugar it was used to. Once I got over that initial carb and sugar withdrawal, it became easier. 

My family doctor (who referred me to Dr. Poon in the first place) is a bit of a Paleo skeptic. He's super supportive. He and I have been battling my weight issues my entire life and he knows with 100% certainty that this diet is the only one that has worked for me. This December will mark 2 years on maintenance for me. But he still wants to see me about every 6 months so he can order blood work. He wants to be sure I don't have any deficiencies. So far so good. My blood screens have come back perfect for the past 3 years (counting when I started Dr. Poon back in September 2011). 

My favorite scenario is when I'm in a group of people talking about weight loss and they have no idea that I used to weigh over 300 pounds. Paleo usually always comes up as the latest "fad" diet. And I usually hear how the diet is unrealistic for real life. I sit quietly for a while and let them speak their expertise on my lifestyle. And someone who knows me will usually say, "Leigh's Paleo". And they ask how that's working for me. I tell them that going grain-free has added many years to my life. I'll get the side-eye, and some questions about being a runner and Paleo and how I get my energy without grains. I'll eventually pull out my phone and show them my wall paper. It's a before photo that I like to keep handy. It reminds me of where I came from and lifts me up when I struggle with my own self image. That's when I get the double take and the open-mouthed speechless response. That moment is priceless and although they may still go away a skeptic, I know that I am doing what is best for me. 

Now I suggest you go and check out my blogging buddies and see how they deal with the skeptics in their life. They are awesome and have been doing this longer than me. They are the ones I learned from:-)

For Life 
Garden Girl 
The Sunny Coconut 

L: Me at my heaviest. I'm well over 300 pounds in that photo.
R: Me last weekend. Around 160 pounds and wearing horizontal stripes
and white shorts...never done that before:-)