Thursday, August 7, 2014

The post about a difficult anniversary

My favorite picture of my mom and I.

  • Today marks the 11th anniversary of my mother's death. This is a hard week for me in general. She would have celebrated her 83rd birthday this past Sunday. While celebrating her birthday 11 years ago, I was extremely thankful that we got to see her to her 73rd year but had a heavy heart because I knew I was going to lose her for good at any moment. And even though we knew that her death was imminent and I thought I had prepared myself for that moment, nothing can really prepare you for having to say goodbye to a loved one for a final time.
  • In the photo above I weighed 285 pounds. A bride always knows what she weighed on her wedding day. It's my favorite photo of us. It was my mother's special day. She planned my entire wedding and made my dress. She even chose the design of my dress. I gave her full creative licence over the wedding plans. It was important for me to give her that day. She was in the final stages of cancer and her happiness seemed much more important to me than stressing over minor wedding details. I'm glad I gave her that day because I lost her a short time later.
  • My mother has never known me at a normal weight. Except for when I was a child (to the age of 7 or 8). My health issues were always a major concern for her. Although my son inspires me to keep the health and fitness part of my life up, I also think of my mother and how proud she would be of me right now. That is a huge motivator for me to continue living the lifestyle I do. I'd not want to let her down either.
  • Eleven years seems like a long time. And it is. Although the pain from her loss isn't as pronounced as it was, I still think of her everyday. I can still get an uncontrollable wave of sadness come over me and it feels like I just lost her all over again. I had that feeling yesterday and ended up doing a rare evening run. I ran out of the gym. I completed an 8K run on the Rail Trail, then went into the gym and did an hour workout. It calmed me and the time I spent on the trail alone, I got lost in memories of her and my childhood.
  • Today I reflect on her life and the time I got to spend with her. I will run again tonight and spend that time remembering what a special part of my life she was. She always had the ability to calm me like no one else. Although I have a lot of love in my life, no one will ever love me like she did and I'm thankful to have experienced that kind of love in my lifetime.

My mother's high school grad photo. Circa 1949

11 comments:

  1. She's lovely, what nice photos. I can relate to this post as it's been eight years since I lost my mom less than a month before she would have turned 71. I often think of her and she turns up in my dreams now and then. You're never really prepared to lose your mom.

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  2. Yes it is very hard and very sad to lose our mothers. It will be 15 yrs this coming Oct. She was only 43. She also did my wedding arrangements. I let her because it took her mind off the chemo treatments coming up. It is amazing though how even thought hey are gone they can still influence us in our lives. :)

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  3. "nothing can really prepare you for having to say goodbye to a loved one for a final time." that is very true but remember the good memories ....it happened to me this morning as I was brushing my hair in the mirror I suddenly had a picture in my mind of my dear mum doing the same thing. Memories are timeless, precious.

    Love you mum.

    All the best Jan

    PS your photo's are lovely, thank you so much for sharing.

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  4. You said "My mother has never known me at a normal weight."

    SHE KNOWS.

    :: HUGS ::

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  5. You have very special memories of your lovely mom. Remember she is always with you in your heart. Take care

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  6. Thank God for our mothers and our memories of them. She was and is a major motivator in your life. There are many who don't have good memories of their mother. My mother is 88 this month and is noticeably weakening so I can just love her while I can. She was a beautiful woman.

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  7. Your mother was a great lady Leigh. I have so many great memories of time spent with you and your mother.

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  8. your mom looks lovely in her photos, sending you loads of love

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