The mother of my heart (Thursday morning ramblings)

A few things have happened over the last few days.  Everything involving my father came to a head, I had dinner with my birth mother, and I've let go of some responsibilities in my life so I can breathe (and sleep) a whole lot better.  How has this all effected my weight-loss?  Well with my nervous stomach, I was barely eating, but that is not a good thing.  When I don't eat, it slows my metabolism down and my weight-loss halts.  Being on a metabolic diet means that I have to eat regularly and eat the right foods for my metabolism to work at it's best.  If I'm not eating, everything shuts down.  I have made a conscious effort over the past couple of days to get back to eating the way I was.  I feel better for it and I'm sure things will return to normal very soon.

The issues involving my dad came to a head the other day and I know that regardless of my own personal beliefs regarding his care, I'm going to have to step back and let my siblings deal with him.  I've been my father's keeper since my mother's death. Over this time no one has offered to step in and help out.  So I am doing what I have to do for my own sanity as well as for my family, I'm stepping down.  I'm just going to have to have faith that my brothers will make good decisions for him and continue to give him good financial advice.  I can't do it anymore and I feel okay with that.

This week I did something I haven't done in a long time.  I cried for my mother.  She's been gone 9 1/2 years now and although I do feel an overwhelming sense of sadness once in a while, I never actually flat out cry for her.  But a couple of times this week, I just full out cried with sobbing and the whole nine yards.  I think I have come to the realization that I am truly alone and have no one except me that I can count on.  My mom was always my pillar and my strength.  When I was scared or upset, I could talk to her.  I love my dad, but we don't have the same relationship.  I don't have a close relationship with him right now, and I need to remedy that.  Although it is hard for me to see him (because he never seems to have time for me and we live an hour apart), he's 81 and I need to continue to make the effort to go and see him. He used to spend way more time with me in the past, but things have changed over the past couple of years and we have grown more and more apart.  I'm much more mobile than him, so I need to work on this more.

I had dinner the other day with my birth mother.  She was in town for some medical tests and we agreed to get together.  I've only seen her three times, once in spring of 2010, just before this past Christmas, and now. It went well and every meeting I have with her is easier.  I don't share the relationship I have with her with anyone in my family.  I just told them once that I began having contact with her almost two years ago.  I think a lot of that has to do with guilt and I think that maybe they won't understand.  I enjoy speaking with my birth mother, but it's really out of curiosity that the relationship continues.  She's my birth mother and I respect her for that.  She doesn't pressure me and I think we've fallen into an amicable comfortableness.  And it doesn't matter how our relationship evolves. The mother who raised me will always be the mother of my heart.

I started reading a new blog by Carbaholic.  She's fairly new to this blogging business and could use some encouragement.  Go on, check her out, and send her some love.  Let her experience first hand the greatness of having followers who care:)  Thanks everyone!

My father's keeper

My weight-loss is like clock work.  Another 5 pounds.  I never deviate from the five pounds.  And I am super fine with that.  I imagine at some point in time it will slow down, but in the meantime, I can't believe I lost 60 pounds!  Back in the summer, I was convinced I needed serious medical intervention to lose weight.  Pills or surgery or hypnosis!  Not in a trillion years did I think I would be doing this on my own.

I met with Dr. Stephen for my second last appointment.  I feel confident I will be able to continue on the diet with the help of my family doctor.  He will monitor my weight and blood pressure after the end of February when the clinic I attend closes.  My blood pressure was a bit up today, but that is expected with all the stress I've been under.

Thanks to all for their support regarding my last post.  The waters have not yet calmed but I think things are headed in the right direction.  I feel a little better about things, but I won't feel completely whole again until everything is resolved (hopefully) on Tuesday.  There is an innocent victim here (my father) and I will do what ever I need to in order to protect his health and well-being.  My father has been put at financial and emotional risk, and it stops now!

On a happier note, I'm really looking forward to starting my learn to run clinic in 5 weeks with Enz.  We walked 5k last weekend.  I got wicked blisters on the backs of my ankles and they are still sore.  When I wear shoes, my ankles are super sore by the end of the day.  By next week I should be fine and able to resume normal activity.

While blog reading I came across a great Turkey Cauliflower Hash recipe that could be altered to become Dr. Poon approved.  Check it out, it's from Roxie-Girl's blog.  To make it Poon friendly, you just need to use olive oil in place of butter, green onion in place of yellow or white onion, and a splash of 1/2 and 1/2 instead of a 1/4 cup of heavy cream (just to moisten it up).    Stay tuned for my pork tenderloin with garlic roasted cauliflower recipe...tomorrow!