Thursday, February 9, 2012

The mother of my heart (Thursday morning ramblings)

A few things have happened over the last few days.  Everything involving my father came to a head, I had dinner with my birth mother, and I've let go of some responsibilities in my life so I can breathe (and sleep) a whole lot better.  How has this all effected my weight-loss?  Well with my nervous stomach, I was barely eating, but that is not a good thing.  When I don't eat, it slows my metabolism down and my weight-loss halts.  Being on a metabolic diet means that I have to eat regularly and eat the right foods for my metabolism to work at it's best.  If I'm not eating, everything shuts down.  I have made a conscious effort over the past couple of days to get back to eating the way I was.  I feel better for it and I'm sure things will return to normal very soon.

The issues involving my dad came to a head the other day and I know that regardless of my own personal beliefs regarding his care, I'm going to have to step back and let my siblings deal with him.  I've been my father's keeper since my mother's death. Over this time no one has offered to step in and help out.  So I am doing what I have to do for my own sanity as well as for my family, I'm stepping down.  I'm just going to have to have faith that my brothers will make good decisions for him and continue to give him good financial advice.  I can't do it anymore and I feel okay with that.

This week I did something I haven't done in a long time.  I cried for my mother.  She's been gone 9 1/2 years now and although I do feel an overwhelming sense of sadness once in a while, I never actually flat out cry for her.  But a couple of times this week, I just full out cried with sobbing and the whole nine yards.  I think I have come to the realization that I am truly alone and have no one except me that I can count on.  My mom was always my pillar and my strength.  When I was scared or upset, I could talk to her.  I love my dad, but we don't have the same relationship.  I don't have a close relationship with him right now, and I need to remedy that.  Although it is hard for me to see him (because he never seems to have time for me and we live an hour apart), he's 81 and I need to continue to make the effort to go and see him. He used to spend way more time with me in the past, but things have changed over the past couple of years and we have grown more and more apart.  I'm much more mobile than him, so I need to work on this more.

I had dinner the other day with my birth mother.  She was in town for some medical tests and we agreed to get together.  I've only seen her three times, once in spring of 2010, just before this past Christmas, and now. It went well and every meeting I have with her is easier.  I don't share the relationship I have with her with anyone in my family.  I just told them once that I began having contact with her almost two years ago.  I think a lot of that has to do with guilt and I think that maybe they won't understand.  I enjoy speaking with my birth mother, but it's really out of curiosity that the relationship continues.  She's my birth mother and I respect her for that.  She doesn't pressure me and I think we've fallen into an amicable comfortableness.  And it doesn't matter how our relationship evolves. The mother who raised me will always be the mother of my heart.

I started reading a new blog by Carbaholic.  She's fairly new to this blogging business and could use some encouragement.  Go on, check her out, and send her some love.  Let her experience first hand the greatness of having followers who care:)  Thanks everyone!

7 comments:

  1. It will be four years this May since I lost my Mom. I feel your pain and sadness; she also was a great tower of my strength and is a large part of my motivation to get fit.

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  2. Oh Leigh, I totally understand what you are going through. It is hard to relinquish his care to your brothers. All you can do is hope for the best and know you did everything you were called upon to do.

    I also understand the birthmother gig. It feels like you are "cheating" on your family doesn't it? But you have a right to know and a right to get acquainted with her.

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  3. I hope you have a stressfree weekend full of smiles.

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  4. Your mom probably would have loved for you to be aqquainted with your birth mother.... she knows no one can take her place in your heart

    You sound like a very beautiful and strong woman!

    ps... THANKS FOR THE SHOUT OUT and CARING FOR ME :)!!

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  5. The grief of a parent seems to come in waves. My dad passed almost 4 years ago and the other day I watched a movie and it made me sob for him again. I don't think its something you ever actually get over but time makes the wound a little more bearable.

    You sound like you're making some good decisions for you and your family. Be strong!

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  6. Hi Leigh, I am looking at starting a blog and was researching names and I stumbled on your blog. It sounds like you finally have the time to cry. It will be very good for you. Can I suggest that you write letters to your dad. Old people love recieving letters and they read them over and over. You are a good writer. It would take the pressure off you to drive. Anyway nice meeting you and good luck.

    Anita - Australia

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    1. Thanks for your comment Anita. The letters to my dad is a good suggestion. Maybe I'll start with a card with a longer hand written sentiment inside. Good luck with your blog, and thanks for reading:)

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