Friday, March 7, 2014

The post about a heart to heart with an old friend and a shit day

I wasn't actually planning on posting again until after my long run on Sunday, but I had brunch with a childhood friend today. We talked about all kinds of stuff and of course we got to the topic of the moment. My self esteem. She told me in a very loving way, that I have changed over the past year or so. She said that I have become preoccupied with my looks. She is bang on. I have become preoccupied with my looks. She mentioned that previously I never put too much effort or worry into the way I looked. And that is true. I was morbidly obese and didn't really care too much. I wore whatever I could fit into and was comfortable to wear. Was I physically comfortable? Nope. But I was emotionally comfortable because it was all I knew. She said that it seems as though I am not comfortable in my new body and that brought tears to my eyes. That is without a doubt 100% true. I was more emotionally comfortable being morbidly obese.

She has never had an issue with her weight, so she admitted that she didn't know what I was going through right now. When I explained how I can't feel good about myself regardless of what other people see, I could tell that was really hard for her to grasp. I gave some examples.  If I'm in a crowded room and there are rows of chairs set up and an empty lone chair in the middle of a row, I'd rather stand for 2 hours than sit in that chair. The reason being? Because I wouldn't want to embarrass myself when I can't fit. Even though I would fit. When people look at me on the street, both men and women, the first thought that goes through my head is that they're judging me because of my weight. They could like what I'm wearing, or just being friendly, but I always think negatively. And then there's the comparing myself to others that I'm standing beside. I did it again today on the mirrored elevator at work. I was standing beside a petite woman and I looked huge beside her.

Although I have been on an upswing the past few days, today was not a good day for me. I felt insecure and self conscious all day. I felt exposed, anxious, and large. Very large. My mood sucked. It was sunny and 3C. It was a beautiful, almost spring day. And I felt like shit inside. I have been neglecting my homework from my therapist big time. I haven't taken my picture and "liked" stuff about myself since I did it for the first time on Wednesday. And thanks to everyone who left me nice comments on my blog, Facebook and Twitter. I appreciate you:) Perhaps I need to start posting on my social media outlets again and do my picture exercise to keep myself accountable. If I know no one is going to see it, I won't do it. But if I have to post it, I'll be more likely to complete my "homework". My therapist eventually wants me to videotape myself. Yikes! That's going to be difficult to stomach. I've been on video, but never where I'm just sitting and talking into a camera. I'm anxious just thinking about it.

I know that this new journey of mine is going to take time. I can't expect miracles to happen overnight. I have to be patient and trust the process. On a positive note, I took melatonin last night and was asleep by 10pm. Although I woke at 4:30am, I got 6.5 hours of UNINTERRUPTED sleep and did not feel groggy when I woke up today. That is huge for me. And I dreamt. I know I dream every night, but I haven't remembered a dream for months and months and months. Likely because I'm not sleeping deeply enough. So tomorrow I'm going to start on a more positive note. I'm going to get my picture taken and gush about myself. Maybe "gush" is too much. I'll like no less than three things about myself.

I will do my homework assignment today with an older picture. Check out that comparison photo below. On the left, I weighed about 185 (which I maintained for weeks, maybe two or three before gaining about a 115 pounds again), and was a couple weeks shy of my 30th birthday. My hair was coloured, my nails were too long, I wore too much make up, my eyebrows were over plucked and I was a smoker. I gave up smoking the winter of 2000. That is what I looked like when my hubby and I first got together. The picture on the right was taken a couple of months ago. I will say that I think I look better now than I did when I was 29. I don't colour my hair, and other than mascara and lip balm, I am not wearing any make up. And I look happy. See? I'm not all negative. I can see positives in myself.

The 14  year difference. 

Today I feel a bit defeated.  Not just with my self esteem, but with my confidence in everything. I was at work till 7pm doing something that should have only taken me a few hours. I should have been done no later than 5pm. But there I was with the cleaning crew working way past quitting time. On a Friday night no less! I know that I am the only one who can change things. I have wonderful, supportive people. Both in my real life and in the virtual world. You all rock! Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm wiping the slate clean. The only downer about this being the weekend? I have paper work I'm still catching up on. So I'm working. But I know I'll feel lighter once I get caught up. I'm on a role! I turned that negative into a positive! Enjoy you're weekend.