|Half way into our 23K run today.|
- Yesterday was another bad day down in the books for me. Not sure why I was feeling so anxious and panicked. I just was. I ended up having a full scale panic attack while I was folding my laundry. I had to hide myself away upstairs for a few minutes until the feeling passed. It's not good, when although they scare me, I'm beginning to get used to them. I've only had one therapy session, and although we touched on the self esteem issues, the therapist asked me a lot of stuff about my past. Things I'd rather forget about. Those thoughts could be sparking some of my attacks. I know that I have to talk about this stuff though. It's just easier to forget than to remember.
- Today was a MUCH better day. It was my 2nd runniversary:) I began running on this day in 2012 and I couldn't run for one minute straight without stopping. Today I ran for 23K with my running gal Dawn. That's a half marathon and then some. Although it was a slow run, and we ran all the hills in the back half of the Bay, it was awesome. We were awesome! And we looked awesome! I am not forcing my smile in the photo above. It was sunny and crisp and during the run it smelt like spring (AKA as shit). That was definitely a mood booster!
- When I got home, I ate, showered and spent some time on Twitter (so much for my SM break). I had the afternoon to myself because my husband and son went to visit my in-laws for the day. My burden feels lighter as I type this. Although yesterday was a bit of a write off in regards to my mood and the (lack of) chores I got done, I kicked ass today. I ran 23K in the morning, made dinner, did laundry, wrote reports, cleaned up the kitchen and even went grocery shopping after dinner. I think my long run this morning was very therapeutic for me. And I got an extra hour of day light today. Good stuff all around.
- I have my blog comments on "moderation". Not because I censor comments. I have published every comment I have gotten (unless I accidentally deleted it, and yes that has happened). I moderate comments because I get about 10 spam comments a day. And I don't want commenters to have to do the captcha. I have rarely gotten a negative comment. Myra and Caron likely remember my last negative comment:) Yesterday I got a negative comment. You can read it below.
I have read your blog faithfully for some time now but will no longer. Your friend us right, you've become a vain "look at me, look at me" individual. "Do I look good? Do I need bangs this way or that way? I'm getting looked up and down by the Tm Hortons clerk young enough to be my son...." OMG good thing you are finally in therapy. Yes, EVERYONE has issues but for goodness sake, get over yourself. You have a son who probably could use you more than you wasting your time looking in a mirror and taking selfies in public bathrooms. Good luck with everything, you definately are going to need it. Instead of having the "poor me" attitude take charge of your life and use your strength to focus on all you do have, which is more than most in this world. Having llove and family is a blessing, figuring out hair, makeup, a French manicure and which angle to take the most flattering selfie is downright sad and enough reason to get yourself into therapy. Kudos on that.
- Now, my first reaction when I read this comment? It upset me because I felt badly for having displeased someone. I am always trying to be a people pleaser and I hate it when someone feels badly about me. That being said, the anon comment has some truth to it. I do need validation. I am very unsure of myself. I'm not confident enough to make decisions about my looks. You should try coming clothing shopping with me. Completely exasperating. Ask my girlfriend Linda. We spent hours at Reitman's, and I ended up returning everything I bought. I figured that since I consider all the women (and some men) that read my blog friends, when I post questions, I'll get honest answers. I'm not offended if you don't answer.
- Anon is absolutely right, everyone does have issues, but no one (except those closest to me) knows anything about me except for what I have shared on my blog. And I do share a lot. But what you read here is only the "tip of the iceberg" of my issues. I won't discuss those things on this forum. They are too personal. I would never judge a person I don't know. So I will not judge my anon commenter. That person also has issues and I know not what they are. But trust me, if it was as easy as getting over myself, I wouldn't be in the funk I'm in right now. I wish I could get over myself. Life would be so much easier.
- As for the selfies? When I see myself in the mirror, I still can't believe that the person looking back is me. If I think I look good that day, I'll take a snap shot. It's good for me to look back at those pictures again when I'm not having such a good day. And since this blog is about me and my journey and struggles, I'll post them here if I want to share. And when I'm wearing something that I got from Value Village that was a particularly good deal, I like to show off how frugal and savvy I am:)
- I do have a lot to be thankful for. And I am. I have a great family, a home I love, a career I enjoy. But the issues I'm going through right now, have nothing to do with those things. They have to do with skeletons in my closet that I have been neglecting for years. These past experiences most definitely played a role in why I became obese in the first place and why I struggle with my self-esteem now. I would never judge anyone's struggles regardless of how trivial they may seem to me. I have not walked in that person's shoes. Unless you have lived in my skin, you can't assume that my issues are insignificant.
- I began writing this blog to keep myself accountable while I lost weight. Over the past year, I continued to write this blog for my readers. It was no secret that I was struggling with posts sometimes. I am writing this blog again for me right now. It is a good form of therapy for me. Blogging and running. I know that my struggles with self-esteem are not my own. Just from the number of blog comments, emails, Tweets and Facebook comments that I got when I admitted my depression let me know that many others share my struggle. If sharing my journey will help someone else, then it's worth it for me to put it out there. My very best wishes to Anon. I'm hopeful that you will get help for some of your issues too.