Sunday, March 9, 2014

The post about my 2nd runniversary, a 23K run and an anonymous comment

Half way into our 23K run today.

  • Yesterday was another bad day down in the books for me. Not sure why I was feeling so anxious and panicked. I just was. I ended up having a full scale panic attack while I was folding my laundry. I had to hide myself away upstairs for a few minutes until the feeling passed. It's not good, when although they scare me, I'm beginning to get used to them.  I've only had one therapy session, and although we touched on the self esteem issues, the therapist asked me a lot of stuff about my past. Things I'd rather forget about. Those thoughts could be sparking some of my attacks.  I know that I have to talk about this stuff though. It's just easier to forget than to remember.
  • Today was a MUCH better day. It was my 2nd runniversary:) I began running on this day in 2012 and I couldn't run for one minute straight without stopping. Today I ran for 23K with my running gal Dawn. That's a half marathon and then some. Although it was a slow run, and we ran all the hills in the back half of the Bay, it was awesome. We were awesome! And we looked awesome! I am not forcing my smile in the photo above. It was sunny and crisp and during the run it smelt like spring (AKA as shit). That was definitely a mood booster!
  • When I got home, I ate, showered and spent some time on Twitter (so much for my SM break). I had the afternoon to myself because my husband and son went to visit my in-laws for the day. My burden feels lighter as I type this. Although yesterday was a bit of a write off in regards to my mood and the (lack of) chores I got done, I kicked ass today. I ran 23K in the morning, made dinner, did laundry, wrote reports, cleaned up the kitchen and even went grocery shopping after dinner. I think my long run this morning was very therapeutic for me. And I got an extra hour of day light today. Good stuff all around.
  • I have my blog comments on "moderation". Not because I censor comments. I have published every comment I have gotten (unless I accidentally deleted it, and yes that has happened). I moderate comments because I get about 10 spam comments a day. And I don't want commenters to have to do the captcha. I have rarely gotten a negative comment. Myra and Caron likely remember my last negative comment:) Yesterday I got a negative comment. You can read it below.
I have read your blog faithfully for some time now but will no longer. Your friend us right, you've become a vain "look at me, look at me" individual. "Do I look good? Do I need bangs this way or that way? I'm getting looked up and down by the Tm Hortons clerk young enough to be my son...." OMG good thing you are finally in therapy. Yes, EVERYONE has issues but for goodness sake, get over yourself. You have a son who probably could use you more than you wasting your time looking in a mirror and taking selfies in public bathrooms. Good luck with everything, you definately are going to need it. Instead of having the "poor me" attitude take charge of your life and use your strength to focus on all you do have, which is more than most in this world. Having llove and family is a blessing, figuring out hair, makeup, a French manicure and which angle to take the most flattering selfie is downright sad and enough reason to get yourself into therapy. Kudos on that.

  • Now, my first reaction when I read this comment? It upset me because I felt badly for having displeased someone. I am always trying to be a people pleaser and I hate it when someone feels badly about me. That being said, the anon comment has some truth to it. I do need validation. I am very unsure of myself. I'm not confident enough to make decisions about my looks. You should try coming clothing shopping with me. Completely exasperating. Ask my girlfriend Linda. We spent hours at Reitman's, and I ended up returning everything I bought. I figured that since I consider all the women (and some men) that read my blog friends, when I post questions, I'll get honest answers. I'm not offended if you don't answer. 
  • Anon is absolutely right, everyone does have issues, but no one (except those closest to me) knows anything about me except for what I have shared on my blog. And I do share a lot.  But what you read here is only the "tip of the iceberg" of my issues. I won't discuss those things on this forum. They are too personal. I would never judge a person I don't know. So I will not judge my anon commenter. That person also has issues and I know not what they are. But trust me, if it was as easy as getting over myself, I wouldn't be in the funk I'm in right now. I wish I could get over myself. Life would be so much easier. 
  • As for the selfies? When I see myself in the mirror, I still can't believe that the person looking back is me. If I think I look good that day, I'll take a snap shot. It's good for me to look back at those pictures again when I'm not having such a good day. And since this blog is about me and my journey and struggles, I'll post them here if I want to share. And when I'm wearing something that I got from Value Village that was a particularly good deal, I like to show off how frugal and savvy I am:)
  • I do have a lot to be thankful for. And I am. I have a great family, a home I love, a career I enjoy. But the issues I'm going through right now, have nothing to do with those things. They have to do with skeletons in my closet that I have been neglecting for years. These past experiences most definitely played a role in why I became obese in the first place and why I struggle with my self-esteem now. I would never judge anyone's struggles regardless of how trivial they may seem to me. I have not walked in that person's shoes. Unless you have lived in my skin, you can't assume that my issues are insignificant.
  • I began writing this blog to keep myself accountable while I lost weight. Over the past year, I continued to write this blog for my readers. It was no secret that I was struggling with posts sometimes. I am writing this blog again for me right now. It is a good form of therapy for me. Blogging and running. I know that my struggles with self-esteem are not my own. Just from the number of blog comments, emails, Tweets and Facebook comments that I got when I admitted my depression let me know that many others share my struggle. If sharing my journey will help someone else, then it's worth it for me to put it out there. My very best wishes to Anon. I'm hopeful that you will get help for some of your issues too.

26 comments:

  1. Oh what utter rubbish that person wrote!! I had a similar comment a long time ago, and it really hurt me. It was from a person who lives nearby me who I considered a friend!! That was even worse and it took me a long time to deal with it.

    Please ignore the comment. I never think that about you and understand the issues you are facing because my daughter also suffers from panic attacks and anxiety.

    Regarding comments, I find the auto spam on blogger catches all of the spam. It's a pain getting it but it has never appeared on my blog.

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  2. Dear Leigh, I promise you it's worth it; I'm proof of that. Anonymous comments are bull; of course there is more to life than selfies and bangs but meanwhile this is your WEIGHT LOSS blog; its about your face and your shrinking muscular thighs and your running and your clean eating-its not a chronicle of Leigh as a mom and its not your entire life story by any stretch. You cannot and should not be all things to all people and I hope you can laugh off comments like that someday. Thinking of you and wishing you only great things. Sara

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  3. I love your selfies, I love your bangs, and I also love hearing about the poor Tim Horton's kid! That's real life.

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  4. disappointing that 'Anon' came from such a place of anger and malice with their comment. if a departure from reading your blog for them was necessary, it's unfortunate their exit couldn't have been graceful with some support. keep sharing, carry on being brave while teaching and touching those who can relate and need the guidance. be well

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  5. I want to say thank you for sharing yourself so honestly on your blog. I know it's hard to do. I sometimes like to pretend that only four people are reading my blog posts otherwise it might make me self-conscious. That being said, I was outraged at what that person wrote to you. The message was clearly attacking you and I'm sorry for that. Self-esteem is a difficult topic to deal with, let alone discuss. Unless someone lives that same reality, they'll never know. And you're absolutely right, we all have our own histories and a past that comes with that. I really appreciate everything you right about, whether it's your admirable running or your amazing process with weight loss. You're such a major inspiration. There are many layers to an onion, so peel away!

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  6. I don't think there is a person in the world who has been (seriously) overweight that DIDN'T have serious personal issues in other facets of their lives. I think they go hand-in-hand. We rely so heavily on food to self medicate/soothe BECAUSE of those serious personal issues. What those issues are varies of course from person to person. What form, besides obesity, those issues present themselves in our lives, also varies from person to person. Losing the weight might happen, but that doesn't mean all of the serious personal issues HAVE. Some people have to work through the issues to heal enough to lose weight and keep it off. Some can do that prior to. But the work needs to be done at some point on those personal issues to become a whole person (again, if we ever truly were.) Been there, done that.

    Love you, Leigh.

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  7. The commenter has likely either never had a weight problem or they have a weight problem and are bothered that you've beaten yours and still have issues. Commenters like this are always anonymous, they never have the conviction to say such things 'to your face' so they hide behind anonymity.

    I do understand everything you said. Having gotten to an ideal weight once in my life through starvation, I remember doing a double-take everytime I walked past a mirror or store window where I could see myself. Not because I was vain but because I couldn't believe that was my reflection! Because I didn't feel different on the inside, having been fat my whole life. I didn't feel worthy of looking like that. Could that really be me?

    I hate when women feel the need to be mean and tear each other down instead of being supportive. I assume it was a woman as frankly I don't see any man writing something like that. You have enough to deal with right now without this crap, so please don't let it add to your burden right now. Know that most people do not feel as anonymous does, we're glad you share the ups AND downs of your struggle cuz we're on the same journey.

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  8. That comment seemed purposeless to me- anyone who writes a blog is already focusing on themselves (and that is NOT a bad thing), and we share OURSELVES, and that means including pics of ourselves and talking about ourselves. Blogging is a thing people can do for themselves (like you, I use it as a form of therapy!!)... So to be a blog reader and have a problem with the very point of blogging? Eh.

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  9. Oh my gosh keep going and DON'T internalise anything that person wrote. Im not as kind as you are- I think they need to work on their own life instead of putting so much energy into being nasty,for nasty's sake.

    Anyway i don't comment much. I commented once before to tell you you inspired me to start this health journey and months later im still doing it because of you and your blog. (RE- read that- because of YOU AND YOUR BLOG!!). Im still going strong:)so THANK YOU!!

    I also just want to say depression and anxiety have stigma attached to them and talking about it openly helps people suffering to see you take action and get help and maybe do the same themselves.It also it breaks down the stigma too. When you have a broken foot or another illness its not shameful but somehow depression and mental illness is treated differently. that's why in my opinion it is very important it is spoken about. ( Ill stop babbling now!)

    Sending you the best wishes for the best of everything and I hope you know we are cheering you on from afar. You DESERVE peace, good health and happiness.
    Big hugs and huge RESPECT xo

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  10. Hi Leigh, I will admit I was miffed by Anonymous's comments. He or she is very insensitive and obviously doesn't care about themself or anyone else. I had written a rather nasty letter to Anonymous and posted my comments below your blog. I was not very nice. I am not like that. One of the things that bothered me about Anonymous's post was, he or she didn't have the guts to post their name. That disappointed me. I would never write something like that and not sign my name to it. That was very cowardly. I am 100% supportive of your blog and and 100% supportive of you. I have met you and you are a wonderful, beautiful caring, sensitive, family loving, and life loving person. You are real, you are who you say you are. I understand your blog. Obviously Anonymous doesn't. Poonapaloozan is about you not Anonymous. I deleted my comments shortly after for 2 reasons, #1 I felt bad about my comments and thought to myself, I am better than this and I don't want to stoop to that level. #2 I noticed a few more people also signed as Anonymous and those comments were very positive and supportive and I felt I had stereotyped all Anonymous's in the same category and that is not the right thing to do. The Anonymous who wrote that particular post is an Asshole, point blank, an ASSHOLE and I feel bad for him. I have met you and one of things you and I discussed was, We don't know what goes on in peoples lives, from a bad day at work, maybe they slept in, or a bad day at home or maybe the bills are piling up or the kids are being bad, maybe your job isn't going well etc. We just don't know. There are many stresses in life. Like I said the last time we talked, if someone gives you the finger just kindly wave back. It could change their entire day. Maybe this was the case for Anonymous that day. I don't know and I realized that none of us did except Anonymous. So I deleted my comments. Glad I did. Leigh, you are one of kind and you have a heart of pure gold. You started this blog for you but you helped many, many of us with it. I wish you weren't struggling right now and I wish you only the best of everything. If anyone deserves it, you do. Your friend Always, Steve Cole.

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  11. Depression and anxiety, both of which are recognised mental illnesses and cause immense suffering, are no respecters of wealth, class, background, intelligence, and do not discriminate along these lines when they manifest themselves.

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  12. I could have written exactly what Anna Down Under has written. I just don't know what to say! Just complete meanness some people have is beyond me but yes, there are people like Anon in this world and thankfully not many. At least this person will no longer be reading - or so they say!

    We love you Leigh! xo

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  13. I kind of lost it with Anonymous as you know. It scared me that her comments might send you into a tailspin and you would gain your weight back. I have seen that happen. If Anonymous does read this I would say I wish only the best for her but what she wrote to you was out of line. I understand that we should give others the benefit of the doubt and she may be struggling in her own way but dumping her problems through hateful comments is not the way to go and is unacceptable. She needs to find a constructive way to deal with life, like you and so many others have done.

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  14. Leigh: Dont Worry!!! Eu adoro ler sobre seu dia a dia e sobre tua vida. Todos nos passamos por momentos dificeis, mais voce 'e mais forte do que voce imagina!!!
    E existem muitas pessoas idiotas neste mundo. Ignore pessoas que nao trazem nenhum beneficio pra sua vida, elas tem problemas e querem que outras pessoas se sintam mal tambem.
    Voce 'e uma guerreira, continue lutando, voce ira conseguir!!! Voce nasceu para brilhar igual uma estrela no ceu!!!!
    Com carinho, Leiza S.

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  15. p.s. as you know, I think mean-spiritedness is a sign of evilness. I guess that's kind of sad, but please KNOW that you are ten thousand times a better person, inside and out, than that particular anonii was/is. Without doubt.

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  16. Ugh - I am soooo not a fan of Anon anyone. I don't comment often - but I read....because you are real and my God if you want to take a selfie of yourself after the work you've put in - have at it!! Why do we all have to hate so much? Why can't people just support? If she doesn't like your blog - leave. No need to explain why. I'm sorry it hurt you.

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  17. And it has to be said Leigh... if you've got it, flaunt it!! I know that is not why you post photos but hey the fact that you DO just shows how much you have changed. I say go you - show us all how fabulous you look because your transformation is one of the most amazing I have ever seen... your skin is smooth and you have an athletic body. Photograph away and inspire others :)

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  18. Way to address the nonsense. Someone was harassing Marion at Affection for Fitness a couple weeks ago, I wonder if someone is making the rounds attacking people. Look out anyone who allows anonymous posting. Her criticism was very similar - about how vain she was, etc. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my parents would talk about how unimpressed they were about strong "opinion pieces" written in the newspaper, signed "anonymous". If you have a strong opinion, you should be able to put your name and face to it, not hide. You have put YOUR name and face to your blog, and are being attacked very personally, by someone who is hiding and throwing rocks. If someone puts their name and face to their words, they run the risk of someone going to THEIR blog, facebook page, etc, and responding.....and they might tend to be more thoughtful and polite.

    Unless they make their living being rude, like certain comedians and media personalities. ;-) Usually they are funnier then though....and want to be seen... :-P

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  19. Hi Leigh

    It's your blog .. you write whatever you want .... put whatever photographs you want on it .... choose whether you have comments go straight through or approve them first. We all have on/off/delete buttons.

    Of course in these so called modern times with forums/facebook/twitter and the rest - I don't think it gives us an easier life because we are more 'out there' and therefore open to all sorts of comments, criticism, approval etc. Some anonymous comments can be great but in this big wide world there are all sorts ... which goes back to my first comment it's your blog you put through or delete comments however you feel...and if some don't like it then it's their loss.

    I enjoy reading your blog as the majority of your readers do

    All the best Jan

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  20. Anon sounds like a rather bitter, sad person, as it tends to take someone like that to try to tear someone else down.

    Leigh, you do what you need to do. I don't write much anymore (okay, not at all at this moment), but I do know the value of it. Keep going; you rock.

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  21. I've never read your blog before, but I am a beauty blogger. Some ppl I know IRL thought it was shallow and that I was just looking for attention. So what if we want some attention? I mean....we weren't meant to be in our own bubbles, unaffected by others. That anonymous wanted attention--instead of saying in a *helpful constructive* way like, I'm concerned that you are feeling self-conscious, and as a faithful reader it isn't as helpful to me as you have been....anonymous wanted attention like a toddler having a tantrum. "well fine, be that way I'm going to take my toys and play somewhere else!" Yeah, definite ISSUES. We all have them. Boy do I have my share. But now that I'm 44 I'm able to put more things in perspective. I recently battled depression (my 1st child went off to college). I'm better now. But I sure don't blog everything for the world!! Like you said, tip of the iceburg.

    Trust yourself. Love yourself. Smile at yourself in the mirror :)

    There are always going to be bullies who don't want people to feel ok about themselves because of their own deep-seated issues.

    You just keep being awesome :) xoxo

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  22. Every person, woman or man, wants validation, whether it's for their looks, accomplishments, or qualities. Nothing you posted came across to me as vain. I love your selfies. And, if I ran 23K, I would lie around for the rest of the day!

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  23. I don't like that therapists assume we have to dig up old painful memories and relive them. There's a reason we forget them, or our minds suppress them, to protect us and make us functional. Of course what do I know, I deal with depression and weight issues myself. I sure don't want to relive parts of my past, they are better off buried and forgotten ;). Yeah, I probably could use some therapy myself lol. Keep taking those selfies, we all need validation and attention. This is YOUR blog, it IS suppose to be about you and your life, feelings and whatever else that YOU want to write about. You can't make everyone happy, that I know for sure.

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  24. Hope that comment didn't affect you too much. Haters are becoming so common in the blogsphere, it's a sad and cawardly way to act. I'm in agreement with the previous comment from Cheri.

    I thought that your blog posts that include comments or questions you make about your appearance are a reflection how you are not yet comfortable with your body and you are asking for advice when you aren't sure. I'm sure this will get easier in time when you are able to really see yourself in the mirror as you are now :)

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  25. That person's comment is a reflection of then, not you. That comment has absolutely nothing to do with you & everything to do with them.

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  26. awe that comment stinks... booo.... but as a former negative minded social media jerk I can absolutely attest to the last comment being truth..... that was all about them, and the bad place they were in that day and how they took it out on you. It could have been any other blog in the world that they opened up that day but it just happened to be you.... sucks though. He/She probably went off on everyone on their fb account too..... been there done that. shame on us for thinking social media gives us free reign to be mean just cause were not face to face. You can probably guarantee that they would never talk that way face to face with you.... im sure they were just having a bad day. sorry t his happened to you

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