Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The post about my first counselling session, therapeutic massage and melatonin

My first real smile in a while...and a good bang day:)

  • Today I felt semi-normal for the first time in a long time. I put on make up. Did my hair. Smiled. I had my first therapy session and a massage right afterwards. Therapy went pretty well. I wasn't sure I would click with the therapist when we first started out. She was pretty scattered and 20 minutes late! But once we started talking, I enjoyed her approach with me and she gave me some useful advice that I will follow up with. She has treated self esteem issues before, in a very similar case. She also gave me home work. She knows I write a blog. I'm supposed to photograph myself and say what I like about my photo. So here goes...
  • I took the photos this afternoon. I like my neck and collar bones. I liked my hair today. I like the shape of my eyebrows (I plucked them myself). I like that I didn't force my smile today. I liked what I was wearing today. That's all I got for ya. I'm supposed to do this everyday. I won't be posting this everyday. No need to bore you with my self love. But it's a start.
  • Right after my counselling session, I went to see my massage therapist. I haven't seen him since before Christmas. He thought I broke up with him and was seeing someone else. I assured him that I was not. My body was in desperate need of a massage for sure. He gave me a general tune up and I gotta tell you, I was tense and anxious the entire time. He kept having to tell me to relax. I haven't felt this self conscious in front of him since he began massaging me over a year ago. He told me I looked great. He also told me that he could feel definite muscle definition in my glutes and hamstrings. So the hill repeats (#peachreps) did build up my ass muscles. Hearing him compliment me was hard though.
  • We talked a bit about my self esteem issues. He totally got it, and he told me that he often forgets that I was morbidly obese. He's never read my blog or seen a before picture of me. He told me that he massages a lot of athletes and that we all have similar body types. That was interesting to me because I figured if anyone could see my imperfections, it would be him. I've booked to see him again after I run the Bay. I'm going to keep on top of the massage. It's definitely therapeutic. Although I was tense for most of the session, when he flipped me over and worked on my neck, I almost fell asleep. Maybe I'll pay him $80 just to do that for an hour next time!
  • Everyday things seem to get a little easier. I actually got work done the last two days. I was able to focus and be productive. This has lightened the load on my shoulders too. Once I'm caught up with my paperwork, I should be less anxious. I have the next two days planned out. Although I'm seeing a couple of clients, I have everything that I need to do organized in a nice neat pile. It will be done by Monday for sure!
  • My last two runs have been better. I ran in daylight both days. Daylight savings time is this weekend. The days get longer, but the morning gets darker:( So I run in the dark again starting Tuesday. For a few more weeks anyway. I think I have a touch of SAD (seasonal affective disorder) on top of everything else. This has been a brutal winter. Especially to run in. I am so done with it. Even when it is bitterly cold, if the sun is out, it lifts my spirits a bit. 
  • My emotional state is improving. I haven't cried for a couple days. That's progress right? That in itself is a huge difference from last week. The photos below depict what my emotional state was a week ago. I only had enough time to put my hair behind my shoulders and I went from looking relatively normal to crying. My husband asked me something, but in his defence, it could have been "what did you have for lunch"? Bottom line is this. I am healthy, my family is healthy. I have a good job and lots of people who care about me. I have a lot to be thankful for. There are people who are really suffering and way worse off than me. I need to put things into perspective and carry on. Simple right? So why does it feel like a vice grip is crushing my chest most of the day? That is what I need to escape. I think the answer is in my therapy, getting better sleep and the changing seasons. I have a doctor's appointment on the 19th to discuss medication. I'm hopeful that by then I'll be doing better on my own. Two people have suggested melatonin to help me sleep at night. I think I'm gonna give it a try. It's natural and is also said to be effective in treating SAD. I'm getting some tomorrow. I need to stop being SAD and work on being glad...

See how important good posture is?


  1. I'm glad things are getting easier :) I do hope that really soon you realise how amazing you look - not just for someone who has lost lots of weight but amazing full stop!!!

  2. Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad the session went well, and you are doing the work she suggested. Give yourself the gift of time, and take advise re medication, should it be suggested. Why do we have no problem accepting medication for other illnesses, but not something like this? It doesn't make you any less of a person for accepting help to get healthy; to the contrary, it shows that you are having a healthy concern for getting yourself healthy. :)

    I agree the severe weather must be playing into this. I can't wait for the time change, despite losing an hour sleep. Bring on more sun! :D

  3. You look so beautiful! It's really nice having people just listen to us talk and be totally open about it and nonjudgmental. I feel like maybe I should look into seeing a therapist soon. I feel very empowered by my exercise routine and how I've been losing weight, but I can't really get myself to do much else.

    I'm glad you're feeling better, though!

  4. What I see in your picture is a warm, open, decent, caring and down-to-earth person which is backed up by your blog and this is coming from a cynical war correspondent in the Middle East.

  5. I am thankful to read that you are feeling encouraged by what is happening with the therapist and the masseuse (sp?). Good things are happening.

  6. I'm glad things are getting easier or feeling better - they are for me too!! - and they are probably feeling easier because we're taking some good healthy steps :)

  7. Leigh, I read through this one twice, so please rest assured what you say is important. I am so happy to hear you feel lighter! You have the most stunning smile!! We know you are doing this for you - but yes, for Julien most of all and he must be so happy to see your smile too.

    I hope the meletonin works for you. I find it helps me a lot!

    Much love - Linda xo

  8. I am so glad to see the smiling Leigh photo...if you were in front of me I would have given you a big hug...I hope your therapist keeps you moving in the happy direction
    take care of yourself :)
    loads of love

  9. Glad your first session went well :) I'm sure the massage afterwards felt great!

    Melatonin can help some but be careful... I've had a few times where it,s left me in a fog after waking up. I'd suggest waiting until you can speak with your doctor.

  10. So pleased to hear the lighter and more positive side coming through as you write..... and you're smiling that is great.

    Take Care and one step at a time

    All the best Jan

  11. Oh Leigh, you are doing so well. Thank you for sharing this. I am still what you may call obese, though maybe not morbidly so and I am really struggling on changing my mindset on the way I live/eat in order to become 'normal'. Self-esteem is definitely something I need to work on and the counselling sessions followed by a therapeutic massage sound like the way to go.

    Shanell Custer @ Sage Health and Wellness