Thursday, May 1, 2014

I know it's just a house, but it's my home

The real estate pictures of my house.

Today, right now, this moment, is one of the hardest times I've had since Finn died in November. My house is officially up for sale. I didn't think I'd feel so shitty this morning. The week seemed like it was done in slow motion. I was just plodding along, doing what needed to be done. I felt nothing until I woke up this morning. I knew the minute I opened my eyes that I felt extreme anxiety. I'm supposed to be running right now, and I can't get myself out the door.

I have a huge emotional connection to this house. I fell in love with it the minute I walked through the door. I just felt it. I knew instantly I wanted to buy it. Shortly after we moved in, Finn joined us. He lived his entire life here. I still picture him playing in the yard and sitting in his front window seat. His life was cut short for reasons I'm still angry about. But I have to accept them. All I have left are his memories and his ashes.

Julien was brought here after he was born and all his baby memories and early childhood memories happened within these walls. I know they will live on forever in my mind, just as Finn's will, but I can't help but feel as though I'm letting go of a time in my life that was so important to me. I have a new house that I will build new memories in. And I know that eventually it will feel like my home. It just breaks my heart to leave behind the home I love so much. Selling is the best decision for Julien though. He needs friends to play with and he's going to a better school. But it doesn't make it any easier to leave the house that means so much to me. My heart is very heavy right now.

My strongest memories.