Saturday, February 15, 2014

The post about 8 hills, loss of appetite and letting go of negativity

Completed 8 hill repeats this morning. Really wasn't feeling it and ALMOST
talked myself out of doing them all together. Almost...

  • Wednesday and Thursday seem like a blur to me. I can barely remember what I did those days except work.  I ran Wednesday morning and it was freaking cold at 5:15 am. I checked the temperature when I went to bed and it said the windchill was supposed to be -18C. That was BS. With the windchill it was more like -25C. Sweat froze to my cheeks and my eyelashes froze together.  And I lost the feeling in my fingers temporarily. You would have thought I'd have run faster considering the temperature, but it wasn't my best pace. Only 6:51/K. I only started to warm up at 5K, and that's when the run was done.
  • I was supposed to do 8 hill repeats on Thursday morning. Then by the time I made it out my door and I started to do calculations in my head regarding time, I knew I couldn't complete the run without being late for my first appointment. So I headed back home, hopped in the shower and did some on-line work. I was scheduled to have lunch out with a client, so I figured I'd get home at a decent time and run my hills in the evening like I did last Thursday. I show up at my client's place to pick him up for lunch, but he says he'd rather stay in. So we worked on some budgeting stuff and I didn't get lunch. I saw another client right after my first appointment, and he didn't want to eat either. So I head home and by the time I walk through my door, it's 4pm...and I still haven't eaten lunch! I couldn't run hills on an empty (or full) stomach. And by this time, I just wasn't feeling the hills because I was cranky and (finally) hungry. All I ate was a couple of hard boiled eggs and an apple in the morning. So the plan changed again to run hills this morning at 7am.
  • I woke this morning just before 5am. Hung around the house for a couple of hours before heading out the door to the Mac hill around 7am. I dressed in my gear around 6am and kept going back and forth in my head about whether or not I was actually going to run the hills today. I started to make new plans about running them on Saturday, doing a 6K on Sunday, and my long run on Monday. But then after resting on Tuesday, I'd have to run 5 days in a row. This is a scale back week so my long run on Sunday is only 12K. Next week I have 9 hills to run and an 18K long run. Not a smart plan. And knowing me, I'd probably injure myself! So I made myself get into my car, drove to the Running Room, did my 2K warm up and ran 8 hills. I was there just after 7am, so it wasn't busy. It only started to get busy just before 8am in anticipation of the first classes. I waited till daylight so there were no ornery possums to deal with. I felt sluggish. All I ate was a banana and drank coffee before my run. When I got home I had three hard boiled eggs and more coffee.  I have not been eating enough lately.
  • So here's a problem I have never had in my life before. I have zero appetite. I have to force myself to eat everyday just to fuel up. I have had high anxiety lately. There's just a lot of different stuff going on with work...and in my head (a bit more about that later). Anxiety leads to loss of appetite, I'm assuming.  Regardless of why I have no appetite, not eating has never been an issue for me (surprise, surprise). I always run on an empty stomach. That is called a fasting workout and your body uses any fat stores for energy during your run. But, you must eat right afterwards to rebuild muscle.  I skipped eating a couple mornings after running because I forgot to. I wasn't hungry, and I just forgot. I need to be more on top of my eating. I'm starting to get into higher mileage and I can't be skipping meals. I haven't weighed myself in a real long time. I'm not too keen to step on the scale right now because I know I've lost weight and I don't really care to see that number because I'm not trying to get smaller...just firmer.  So now I am trying to be more conscious and diligent about eating three meals and two snacks a day.
  • Just like I struggle with thoughts of binging everyday (except not for the past couple of weeks), I also struggle with my self esteem everyday. It can be exhausting. I never feel like I'm good enough. I constantly compare myself to other women. Just today I saw a co-worker in the washroom and noticed how nicely shaped her legs were in skinny jeans. I looked at us side by side in the mirror and could only see my tree stump legs. Yeah I've been told they're muscular, but when I compared our legs, I wanted her legs. My legs looked huge! I have so many thoughts of negativity in my head. And although I can feel good about myself when I leave the house in the morning, something usually happens in the day to trigger self doubt and I'm back to feeling crappy about myself. I still envision myself as the woman on the left in the picture below. A comparison shot helps me see how far I have come in the last 29 months. I have worked hard to get to where I am today, and I work even harder to maintain my results. I need to stop with all the negativity and give myself a break. I will always find flaws with myself. That's not necessarily a bad thing because it keeps me motivated to keep working at getting better. But I need to learn to love myself as I am now. Even if I stay exactly as I am right at this moment and my "flaws" never go away, I am awesome. I have done a wonderful thing for my son and my health. And for that I should be proud.


The comparison photo I posted on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.
Insecurity is a bitch!

9 comments:

  1. You ARE awesome! And if you were sitting across from yourself, having coffee, and that person sitting across from you looked like you, looked like you USED to look like, was doing all that you are doing now, had done all that you have in the past 29 months...and was feeling this poorly about herself, what would you say to her?

    You need to be that kind of KIND SOUL to yourself, sweet girl.

    period.

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  2. You absolutely ARE awesome, never forget that. And darlin' I would kill for your legs, so love them and think nice thoughts about them! :)

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  3. Newsflash!!! Most women think other women look better. Trust me, you look great. Really great. Now remember this - how many women will be looking at you and thinking how amazing you look. Get your head straight - you are rocking your new body Leigh :)

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  4. Those are voices from the past. It takes time to become comfortable in a new body. That was the obese Leigh looking at that other woman not the person you are now. You are doing so well and the old Leigh will become just a memory as you learn and progress.

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  5. Leigh, I went through the same thing with the combo of binge thoughts/urges (about 1.5 years ), feeling too full to eat on a paleo-ish template ( on and off 2 years), and some comparison (on and off 40+ years!!!) Anyhoo, just know you aren't alone. I think it's a totally normal transitional time during your shift from obese to normal weight.

    You are you... yes.. but you have a whole new body, thoughts, habits, mindset.. it's you re-loaded. I kept telling myself to experience it as the "new normal" like I had moved to a new place (like my move from Indiana to San Diego) and to experience it as I explored the new area. A new normal and new traditions emerged...organically.

    Hang in there and I found that the lack of appetite was cyclic and normal, that I leaned out my visceral fat, AND that I had fewer and fewer binge thoughts and urges as I go... but that binge urges and thoughts can come flying back at the drop of a hat... I'll be blogging about THAT soon.. :) You can practice not comparing.. it will come... Karen P

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  6. You do realize that your coworker was doing the same thing right? Looking at your legs and wishing hers were more muscular. Even thin people have the same feelings of self doubt.

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  7. Negative thoughts....such a battle! You know how awesome you are....you just need to keep remembering that!

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  8. I totally see, how you feel-I too struggle a lot with low self esteem! You are beautiful,strong and such a fighter as what I see! Easier said than done--But keep telling yourself how far you've come and not many have come and stayed this far!
    I also like how you say the word "only" before a 5K or a 12 K lol-such a hardcore!

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  9. you are so beautiful and you look awesome in all the jeans photos I have seen...strong legs are any day better than skinny ones :D I am sure your co-workers wishing for stronger legs...

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