Saturday, February 15, 2014

The post about 8 hills, loss of appetite and letting go of negativity

Completed 8 hill repeats this morning. Really wasn't feeling it and ALMOST
talked myself out of doing them all together. Almost...

  • Wednesday and Thursday seem like a blur to me. I can barely remember what I did those days except work.  I ran Wednesday morning and it was freaking cold at 5:15 am. I checked the temperature when I went to bed and it said the windchill was supposed to be -18C. That was BS. With the windchill it was more like -25C. Sweat froze to my cheeks and my eyelashes froze together.  And I lost the feeling in my fingers temporarily. You would have thought I'd have run faster considering the temperature, but it wasn't my best pace. Only 6:51/K. I only started to warm up at 5K, and that's when the run was done.
  • I was supposed to do 8 hill repeats on Thursday morning. Then by the time I made it out my door and I started to do calculations in my head regarding time, I knew I couldn't complete the run without being late for my first appointment. So I headed back home, hopped in the shower and did some on-line work. I was scheduled to have lunch out with a client, so I figured I'd get home at a decent time and run my hills in the evening like I did last Thursday. I show up at my client's place to pick him up for lunch, but he says he'd rather stay in. So we worked on some budgeting stuff and I didn't get lunch. I saw another client right after my first appointment, and he didn't want to eat either. So I head home and by the time I walk through my door, it's 4pm...and I still haven't eaten lunch! I couldn't run hills on an empty (or full) stomach. And by this time, I just wasn't feeling the hills because I was cranky and (finally) hungry. All I ate was a couple of hard boiled eggs and an apple in the morning. So the plan changed again to run hills this morning at 7am.
  • I woke this morning just before 5am. Hung around the house for a couple of hours before heading out the door to the Mac hill around 7am. I dressed in my gear around 6am and kept going back and forth in my head about whether or not I was actually going to run the hills today. I started to make new plans about running them on Saturday, doing a 6K on Sunday, and my long run on Monday. But then after resting on Tuesday, I'd have to run 5 days in a row. This is a scale back week so my long run on Sunday is only 12K. Next week I have 9 hills to run and an 18K long run. Not a smart plan. And knowing me, I'd probably injure myself! So I made myself get into my car, drove to the Running Room, did my 2K warm up and ran 8 hills. I was there just after 7am, so it wasn't busy. It only started to get busy just before 8am in anticipation of the first classes. I waited till daylight so there were no ornery possums to deal with. I felt sluggish. All I ate was a banana and drank coffee before my run. When I got home I had three hard boiled eggs and more coffee.  I have not been eating enough lately.
  • So here's a problem I have never had in my life before. I have zero appetite. I have to force myself to eat everyday just to fuel up. I have had high anxiety lately. There's just a lot of different stuff going on with work...and in my head (a bit more about that later). Anxiety leads to loss of appetite, I'm assuming.  Regardless of why I have no appetite, not eating has never been an issue for me (surprise, surprise). I always run on an empty stomach. That is called a fasting workout and your body uses any fat stores for energy during your run. But, you must eat right afterwards to rebuild muscle.  I skipped eating a couple mornings after running because I forgot to. I wasn't hungry, and I just forgot. I need to be more on top of my eating. I'm starting to get into higher mileage and I can't be skipping meals. I haven't weighed myself in a real long time. I'm not too keen to step on the scale right now because I know I've lost weight and I don't really care to see that number because I'm not trying to get smaller...just firmer.  So now I am trying to be more conscious and diligent about eating three meals and two snacks a day.
  • Just like I struggle with thoughts of binging everyday (except not for the past couple of weeks), I also struggle with my self esteem everyday. It can be exhausting. I never feel like I'm good enough. I constantly compare myself to other women. Just today I saw a co-worker in the washroom and noticed how nicely shaped her legs were in skinny jeans. I looked at us side by side in the mirror and could only see my tree stump legs. Yeah I've been told they're muscular, but when I compared our legs, I wanted her legs. My legs looked huge! I have so many thoughts of negativity in my head. And although I can feel good about myself when I leave the house in the morning, something usually happens in the day to trigger self doubt and I'm back to feeling crappy about myself. I still envision myself as the woman on the left in the picture below. A comparison shot helps me see how far I have come in the last 29 months. I have worked hard to get to where I am today, and I work even harder to maintain my results. I need to stop with all the negativity and give myself a break. I will always find flaws with myself. That's not necessarily a bad thing because it keeps me motivated to keep working at getting better. But I need to learn to love myself as I am now. Even if I stay exactly as I am right at this moment and my "flaws" never go away, I am awesome. I have done a wonderful thing for my son and my health. And for that I should be proud.

The comparison photo I posted on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.
Insecurity is a bitch!