Saturday, September 22, 2012

A picture is worth a thousand words

I'm a visual person.  People telling me daily that I look great doesn't really sink in, or in my convoluted mind, I don't believe them.  Don't get me wrong, it's nice to hear, but a little part of me wonders if they really mean it!  Silly I know.  This is all a huge process, weight-loss.  Losing the weight is the easy part.  Letting go of my fat girl image and being completely accepting of who I have become is much harder.  I know that I look different...better.  But when I look in the mirror, all that I see are my flaws.  I think that is true for everyone, but I finally want to learn to  love myself unconditionally.  Something I have never been able to do before.

I posted a picture of my rear end the other day in my beautiful leather coat, and it took a lot for me to do that.  Mostly because all I could see were my saddle bags and amply padded behind.  Then I came across some photos of me at Julien's baptism (see back and side photos below). I weigh about 295ish here, not much difference in weight from last September when I began  my journey. Putting photos side by side really help me see the progress I have accomplished.  Instead of being so critical, I need to give myself a pat on the back.

I am learning to love myself more and more every day, but it will take time to get to a truly happy place with myself.  Should I be proud of what I've accomplished since it was my fault I ended up at 300 pounds in the first place?  It's not like I had an uncontrollable medical condition that made me obese.  I made me obese.  I read other weight-loss blogs and find so many stories truly inspiring. Why can't I feel like that about my own?  Because I have always set my own bar way too high.

I mean I had a pretty uneventful childhood.  I wasn't abused or anything.  So why was food my comfort?  Maybe a little more self-exploration is in order for me to get the root of my unhealthy relationship with food.  Talking to a professional about this can only help me.  This along with a solid maintenance plan and exercise is the only way I will be able to successfully keep the weight off once I lose my last 20 pounds.

The stats and odds are not in my favour.  The same old stat has been floating around for years. That 95% of people who lose a significant amount of weight regain it in three years.  I have been that statistic before.  I did lose a hundred pounds and regain it (in way less than 3 years).  I've said it before and I'll say it again, maintenance is where the real hard work begins.   I didn't work this hard over the last year for nothing, and I definitely don't want to become another statistic...again.  I can finally say (and mean it), that I'm worth more than that.

Taken July 2011.
Taken September 18th.
179 pounds.
Taken January 2008.
Taken September 16th.
Same as above.
Same as above.