Saturday, June 9, 2012

Denial is not a river in Egypt

I'm pretty sure I cropped out the back half
of me to make me look smaller in this photo.

When I look at myself a year ago, and my husband looks at pictures of me he says, "I can't believe you were ever that big".  Well believe it baby, I really was that big.  I think that both of us were in denial about my health and my weight.  Even those around me never said anything to me about how I looked.  Not that it was anyone's else's responsibility but my own to look out for my health.  I was wholly responsible for how I looked, what I ate, how I lived my life.  Although I looked happy on the outside, I was miserable inside.  I felt trapped and burdened by my weight, but that is because I chose to do nothing about it.

Sure I told myself that I was not as big as I looked, but plus sized 24 really is big.  I was in big denial about what I truly looked like, how I felt inside, and what carrying this extra weight was doing to my health.  Sometimes I wonder if I would care enough about myself right now to lose the weight if I never had my son.  I never cared enough before his birth to help myself.  He is my biggest motivation to get healthy.  It wasn't until he started to get older and notice things around him that I knew I needed to make a change.  I never wanted him to remember me fat...except in pictures.  And I don't think he will.
My neighbour took this picture of me a couple
of weeks ago...you guessed it, after a run:)

I also need to lead by example.  If I expect him to eat healthy and be active, I need to show him that I am in control of my eating and making good choices.  One of my biggest fears for him is that he will struggle with his weight the way I struggled with mine.  I don't think I'm making the same mistakes my parents made with me.  I never use food as a reward.  My little guy has no time to sit around and eat out of boredom, we always have him doing something outside of the home.  He watches TV everyday, but not a lot.  A half an hour before school and just before bed.  With the nicer weather, there is no reason to be sitting around at home.

Denial is what got me to the state I was in.  I truly brainwashed myself into believing that I didn't mind carrying around an additional 130 pounds.  I told myself that I carried myself well, that even though I was obese, I was well put together.  I believed I was still healthy enough because at least I wasn't diabetic, didn't have sleep apnea, and although I had high blood pressure, that was all that was wrong with me...That folks is 100% denial!  It is freeing to be able to acknowledge it for the first time in my life.

On the flip side, I can't deny how I feel now.  I'm proud of my accomplishments.  I'm proud that I have my eating under control, I'm proud that I took up running and didn't quit when it got hard, I'm proud that I haven't "cheated" during my lifestyle change.  I'm proud that I have goals and aspirations for myself that I thought I would never have.

I'm going to run a 10k this fall, I'm going to run a two-person relay in a 30k this coming March, and next fall, I'm going to run a half marathon (or die trying)!  If you asked me last June about any of this, I would have choked on my Boston cream donut while trying not to laugh out loud.  It's amazing what nine months of taking my life back has accomplished for me.  And one day, one day, I may just get in good enough shape to qualify for and run the Boston Marathon.  Whenever I feel like I can't accomplish what I want, I watch this video.  It gets me every time:)

13 comments:

  1. I relate to how you felt. I would tell myself yeah your a size 24 but you are a well dressed plus sized diva. Great job on your lifestyle change! I can't believe you didn't cheat at all! I wish I could say that!

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  2. I feel like I could have written this myself. I can't wait to be in the same league as you. You're doig so great it's amazing how everything changes!

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  3. I'm so with you on denial. I remember getting on the scale when it was on its way up and thinking "There's no way this can be right" after witnessing a 10-pound gain. So to fix the problem, I just didn't get on scales again!

    Genius, really... LOL. I proceeded to prance my way through another 20 pounds before the facts caught up with me. Now I'm still fighting it, but at least when I see the scale creep I can take an honest look at my activity and food intake and know what happened.

    Speaking of which, I need to get myself some breakfast and head on to the gym. Have an awesome day!

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  4. You are an inspiration to me. During all my ups and downs in weight, I also told myself that I wasn't "that bad". My family was no help because they didn't want me to feel bad about myself. "You're not fat, Mama."

    Unfortunately, I was very fat at 178 pounds and 5'3" tall. Now they say "You're so little." which isn't exactly true either. Still, I like where I am now and I thank them. :)

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    1. I started at around the same weight as you and I'm only an inch and inch and a half taller than you. I look back and pictures and I feel like I was huge back then x

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  5. I love the name of this post. You're amazing. You have come so far. You don't look like the same woman.

    I can't believe you've never "cheated". That is a massive achievement and you should be incredibly proud of yourself for that. I have to have the odd treat to keep me sane.

    I think we can all be in denial for many reasons. I lost some weight but then gained a lot of it back. I'd say no to a cake one day but then eat one the next and then say no the next day but eat a massive pasta dish with garlic bread and cheese and think that that was OK. I think we can be in denial because food is good, it tastes good, bad food tastes yummy and we don't always want to give that up and exercise can be hard and it hurts and we don't like feeling in pain. Lol.

    You're a great inspiration and you should be so proud of your accomplishments and that video was a great motivation :)

    x

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    1. Don't get me wrong, I do have treats...just ones allowed on my meal plan. Sugar free teats. They're not bad and get rid of the cravings:-)

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  6. Hi Leigh! Oh, I have a super large picture of me too. You've done *sooooo* well! You're streamlined! And the mental progress--you have to really change your life to accomplish all you have.

    :-) Marion

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  7. Leigh you truly are motivational & inspirational. I just finished the book you bought for me....I'm looking foward to the journey! I just wrote a blog about it....wander over to the pond and have a read. See you tomorrow night!

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  8. Holy Smoke you look amazing. Geez what an inspiration you are to me!

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  9. I think everyone, before they make the decision to get healthy, lives in some state of denial. Otherwise, we would be overhwelmingly depressed. Everyone has a "come to jesus" moment with our weight where we realize that no matter how well we "carry ourselves," we're fat and we need to do something about it. You have come SO far in just 9 short months. Truly an inspiration!

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  10. Great post...I think we all do it for our children...I swear its made me a better person.

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  11. The change is amazing, and a testimony to your hard work. You are amazing!

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