Saturday, June 9, 2012

Denial is not a river in Egypt

I'm pretty sure I cropped out the back half
of me to make me look smaller in this photo.

When I look at myself a year ago, and my husband looks at pictures of me he says, "I can't believe you were ever that big".  Well believe it baby, I really was that big.  I think that both of us were in denial about my health and my weight.  Even those around me never said anything to me about how I looked.  Not that it was anyone's else's responsibility but my own to look out for my health.  I was wholly responsible for how I looked, what I ate, how I lived my life.  Although I looked happy on the outside, I was miserable inside.  I felt trapped and burdened by my weight, but that is because I chose to do nothing about it.

Sure I told myself that I was not as big as I looked, but plus sized 24 really is big.  I was in big denial about what I truly looked like, how I felt inside, and what carrying this extra weight was doing to my health.  Sometimes I wonder if I would care enough about myself right now to lose the weight if I never had my son.  I never cared enough before his birth to help myself.  He is my biggest motivation to get healthy.  It wasn't until he started to get older and notice things around him that I knew I needed to make a change.  I never wanted him to remember me fat...except in pictures.  And I don't think he will.
My neighbour took this picture of me a couple
of weeks guessed it, after a run:)

I also need to lead by example.  If I expect him to eat healthy and be active, I need to show him that I am in control of my eating and making good choices.  One of my biggest fears for him is that he will struggle with his weight the way I struggled with mine.  I don't think I'm making the same mistakes my parents made with me.  I never use food as a reward.  My little guy has no time to sit around and eat out of boredom, we always have him doing something outside of the home.  He watches TV everyday, but not a lot.  A half an hour before school and just before bed.  With the nicer weather, there is no reason to be sitting around at home.

Denial is what got me to the state I was in.  I truly brainwashed myself into believing that I didn't mind carrying around an additional 130 pounds.  I told myself that I carried myself well, that even though I was obese, I was well put together.  I believed I was still healthy enough because at least I wasn't diabetic, didn't have sleep apnea, and although I had high blood pressure, that was all that was wrong with me...That folks is 100% denial!  It is freeing to be able to acknowledge it for the first time in my life.

On the flip side, I can't deny how I feel now.  I'm proud of my accomplishments.  I'm proud that I have my eating under control, I'm proud that I took up running and didn't quit when it got hard, I'm proud that I haven't "cheated" during my lifestyle change.  I'm proud that I have goals and aspirations for myself that I thought I would never have.

I'm going to run a 10k this fall, I'm going to run a two-person relay in a 30k this coming March, and next fall, I'm going to run a half marathon (or die trying)!  If you asked me last June about any of this, I would have choked on my Boston cream donut while trying not to laugh out loud.  It's amazing what nine months of taking my life back has accomplished for me.  And one day, one day, I may just get in good enough shape to qualify for and run the Boston Marathon.  Whenever I feel like I can't accomplish what I want, I watch this video.  It gets me every time:)