Thursday, June 14, 2012

An ode to my former self...and other shenanigans

I'm a little obsessed with finding "fat" pictures of myself.  I still have plenty of fat to lose, but I mean the real fat pictures of me.  The dreaded "before"pictures.  The pickings are slim.  I did not like to be photographed.  Another way I was able to avoid my weight issue.  If I couldn't see first hand how large I was, I wasn't really that big now was I?  But every once and a while, I come across a new gem like this one taken last July in Colonial Williamsburg.
A VERY unflattering photo!
The funny thing is, sometimes I still see that person when I look in the mirror.  I have to do side by side comparisons in order to really see the difference in myself.  Truth be told, I don't hate that person.  I could never hate her.  She was there for so many important moments in my life.  She married my husband, she was with my mother when she passed away, she gave birth to my son.  She did all the things I hold dearest in my heart.  I wish I could have been her back then, but everything happens for a reason.  Being her has made me a stronger person.  I never want to be her again, but I appreciate all that she's taught me.

Without her aching back and knees, her heel spurs, her high blood pressure, her body sores from skin rubbing together, her shortness of breath after climbing a flight of stairs, the binges that left her feeling nauseous, her endless lack of motivation and consistent tiredness, without all these things I may not be where I am in my journey right now.  I thank her everyday for feeling twice her age and giving me the kick in the pants I needed to get my life back.  I know I'm not her anymore, but sometimes it's hard to let go of the security she represented.

I'm always going to have self-esteem issues.  When I was at my biggest, it was easy to be the clown and hide behind my huge clothes.  Nobody really paid much attention to me and I was fine with that.  Lately, men have started to look at me.  A very strange and foreign occurrence because I'm not used to the attention.  I know I should feel flattered, but it really makes me uncomfortable because I don't know how to react.  And FYI!  If I'm wearing a wedding ring, it means I'm taken.  Sheesh!

I usually stare at the compliment or pass maker like a deer in head lights, then turn and flee.  Much like an actual deer would do.  Probably looks a little crazy, but I really don't know how else to handle this situation.  I've been over weight pretty much my whole life.  This is all very novel to me.  I've thought of flashing them my stomach, which at the moment displays my loose skin.  That would likely scare them away.  It sure as hell scares me every time I see it!  Which brings me to topic number three...or four, I've lost count.

Loose skin.  I'm hoping that Dr. Pitt is not just saying it to make me feel better about my wrinkly belly, saddle bags and flabby arms, but I'm really hopeful that he's right and they may tighten up within a year of reaching goal.  Now he could just be talking smack because he doesn't want to have to deal with my wailing, but in a perfect world, I will not have to have plastic surgery to correct my loose skin.  I'm thinking it's very likely I'll have to have my arms done, the rest of me I can fake.  I'm not adverse to Spanx and a good push up bra.

What an eclectic post.  It started out a little poignant and turned into my family physician talking smack over my loose skin.  Just to kick things up yet one more notch, I got to see myself running on tape.  Lets just say I really need to work on my form.  I had no idea I ran like Phoebe from friends!  Why did no one tell me?  I don't really, but I did get to see all my jiggly bits which makes me want to run even more to get rid of said jiggly bits.  I need to challenge myself more during my runs and have started to run more trails and hills.  My clinic instructor also suggested that I need to add more distance to my runs.  5k just isn't cutting it anymore.  Because lets face it, as much as I wish it could stay this easy, my ass isn't going to run itself off!
My fearless photog (aka my brother-in-law) taking some stills
of me on the Rail Trail.