Thursday, January 16, 2014

The post about a concussion, insecurities and the Stockholm Halvmarathon

On the hill at the McMaster overpass.

  • This morning was my second hill workout. I got up early, did some on-line work, then headed out just before 9am to run my four hills. Last week I ran three and it was difficult. This week I felt great. I always have a slower pace running hills because when I get to the top, I walk for about 50 meters to drink water before heading back down the hill at a slower pace to recover. I run up the hill faster than my regular pace, but not fast enough that I'm gonna vomit.  Push yourself, but not too hard! Save the vomiting for the race:)  It was a crisp, sunny morning. Perfect for a run!
  • Two weeks ago, my husband bumped his head on the hatchback of our Hyundai and got a concussion.  He has been out of sorts since. He went to the doctor about 5 days in and was told to rest. He's still experiencing weakness and nausea. He hasn't run in a couple of weeks and is falling behind in training for the Bay. I think he should go back to the doctor and get sent in for a CT scan. His doctor does not believe in referrals for CT scans because of the radiation. WTF? If he's not feeling good by Saturday, I'm sending him to Urgent Care.
  • I'm a year in at my goal weight, and my self esteem is still pretty effed up.  I know it takes a while for the brain to catch up with and accept how I look to others (normal sized), but I still have major insecurities. I thought things would be different by now. I still get startled when I see my reflection when I'm in the community because I can't believe that's really me.  I am always comparing myself to others that I'm standing with. Doesn't matter the sizes or the body types of the people I'm with, I still think that I am sticking out like a sore thumb because I am the biggest.  Even wearing my new size 7 (US) jeans yesterday gave me anxiety. I was sure that they didn't fit me well and I was just fooling myself by wearing them. My co-worker told me that my ass looked fine in them and she wanted to slap it! That cracked me up and I secretly wished she had slapped it.  And after wearing them for the day, I find that they are not as form fitting as I wanted them to be. They are a bit loose in the butt and upper thigh area. I wouldn't even dream of trying on a size 5 though.


Wearing the size 7 jeans. The boy is growing like a weed.
Checkout Baby in the background. She's from the "Total
Eclipse of the Heart" video. And I'm not sure why there's
a highlight on my crotch...

  • I am my worst critic. I should be happy with the way my body has changed over the past 2+ years, but I always feel that it's not enough. That I can do more. That is why I am joining the gym in the spring.  I always need to have a goal or a challenge to work towards or else I'm scared of losing my focus.  That is why my running hiatuses do not last long. Unless of course they're forced (ie: broken ankle). Once I finish training for one thing, I have to find a new goal to work on. After I run the Around the Bay (30K) at the end of March, I am going to teach another running clinic. I'd like to do the Learn to Run again. I love teaching brand new runners. Reminds me of where I started and I love encouraging and supporting others. Hopefully they move on to other clinics and end up loving running as much as I do!  I'll look into another 1/2 marathon for June (possibly the Niagara Falls Women's 1/2 again), then in September, I think I am going to cross the Atlantic Ocean venture into Scandinavia and run my first international race!
  • My gal Tanya and her family are moving to Stockholm at the end Of February.  Her husband is being transferred there for work and their Visas just got approved. I am very sad that the only other person I ever run with is leaving me. I will miss her because even though we run sporadically, we socialize frequently.  I will see her again in the summer because she's coming back to visit for the month of July. That works out perfectly because we can start training together for the Stockholm Half Marathon which happens on September 13th! I am so excited to have the opportunity to fly to Sweden and run an international race with a woman that I took the Learn To Run clinic with back in March 2012.  It will be an awesome experience and I will be stopping over in London for a few days on my way home. I was in London about 20 years ago with my parents when we were flying to South Africa for my brother's wedding.  We spent a few days looking around, but I barely saw anything and vowed I'd go back again one day to visit. This is one of my goals for 2014. To vacation alone and run a destination race!
  • Someone commented a few blogs back about wanting me to post what I ate again. The reason I stopped posting my food is because it is mostly the same stuff day in and day out. I don't have a huge food palate, and that is not because Paleo is limited and boring. There are tons of awesome recipes that can be made Paleo. It's because I lack time and imagination.  And I just don't care that much about what I eat because it is just fuel for my body.  I don't feel it's inspirational at all to post lame pictures of my food and a repetitive food journal.  I could be completely wrong though. Majority will rule!
  • The next video in the Anniversary Series entitled The Lot. It's short and not so sweet. Upon returning to St. Catherines, we look upon my orange shit box in the Lexus dealership parking lot. *Hangs head in shame*


8 comments:

  1. I hope your husband starts to feel better soon. I know what you mean about the self esteem. I still look the same when I look in the mirror despite the 55lbs I have lost. I don't know if that will ever change. Scary how quickly the kids grow up. You look beautiful by the way :)

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  2. I'm so sad to hear that you haven't gained confidence in yourself...you are so amazing, and your accomplishments are astounding! If you were listening to your friend, any friend, and she said this about herself, what would you say to her? We really do need to work on NOT being our own worst enemies. We've come too far and accomplished too much to listen to that kind of no-longer-relevant talk anymore. :: hugs ::

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  3. Hope your husband heals fast- head injuries are scary!!

    And I know what you mean about the self image... I am usually the smallest person in any given group and I know that LOGICALLY, but my mental image of myself is that I am huge and burly and stick out like crazy. I don't know when my mind will totally catch up with reality!!

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  4. Thanks for being so open, Leigh. I do know how you feel to some extent (but trust me I never had those beautiful clavicles showing and I was never in single digits-WOW) because I was very heavy from about age 6 forward and when I lost over 100 lbs in college and got to roughly normal size (190 lbs at 5'9) I wasn't able to 'enjoy' things and get comfortable in my skin- attention from boys (scary!), still feeling like I was 300 lbs, etc. At any rate, I look at old pictures and I would strangle a hobo to instantly be 190 again (kidding). It does take time and some serious 'outside looking in' reflection, and it will come. Hope your hubby feels better and I agree- get it checked again!

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  5. Hi Leigh you shouldn't be so critical of yourself - just look at what you've achieved.

    That is a lovely picture of you and Julien, and how fantastic the Stockholm half marathon.Sending positive thoughts and hoping your husband gets better soon.

    With it being Friday night as I type this I wish you a good weekend.

    All the best Jan

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  6. I think some people go pretty overboard posting what they eat. Food is fuel. I eat the same thing all the time, but it works. And I totally get your feelings. I've never been overweight but I constantly think everyone is bigger than me. I don't know where this comes from. Hope your hubby feels better soon!

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  7. Hi Leigh, It takes time to get the inward confidence that matches up to the outward results. When I was lifting really heavy bench presses at the end of 2008, I still could not think of myself as "athletic." Really. But it just takes time. Now I can. You'll adjust too.

    I see why you're worried about your husband. I would be too. Good for you being alert and watchful of this situation.

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  8. I hope your husband is alright.
    I totally understand the body image issues - I don't know if it'll ever get easier.

    Stockholm - how fun! It's a beautiful city :)

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