Thursday, March 21, 2013

Don't dream it's over

Crazy running hair after this morning's run.
Spring my ass!  It was -8C this morning!

I am not getting enough sleep.  Yesterday morning's run was brutal.  I know it was because I only got about 5 hours of sleep every night for the past four days.  I really need at least 6.5 to function well.  That means I need to start getting myself to bed by 11pm every night.  Five-thirty comes quickly!  So here I am writing a post at 10:05.  Let's see if I can get done in 55 minutes!

The good news is tomorrow is a rest day.  The better news is that I didn't get my feet stripped today at my massage appointment.  The bad news is that Mark spent A LOT of time working my left calf and hamstring, and it hurt, but not as badly as the last time he stripped my calf.  OUCH! The good news is that by the time I left his table, my hamstring felt much, much better.  He did a mostly "maintenance massage" (as he calls it) to prepare me for the Around the Bay relay this weekend.  I'm excited, more so for hubby than me. It's a HUGE deal for him.  It is a big race, the biggest I've done, and hubby's longest distance to date (15K each).  I know he's anxious, but he's also really pumped!

Graham, my physio dude, also delivered some news to me yesterday.  I'm going to have to get fitted for orthotics.  I knew that it was coming.  He said he could give me exercises to do, but the best way for me to get rid of the crampy toes is for me to get orthotics.  So orthotics it is!  I need to run, and I want to be able to run long distances.  I'm going to get fitted when he comes back from vacation the first week of April.  I'll have them for the Niagara Falls half marathon at the beginning of June.  I'm excited to see what my time will be without my toes cramping!

My $350 worth of purchases.
Doesn't look like much.

I made a goal to spend $300 at Reitmans by the end of April.  Well, I spent $350 today.  Now, I bought some things a couple of days ago, and I'm returning two of those things which totals over $100 in returns.  I'm also on the fence about a few things I purchased today.  I may be returning them because I'm second guessing stuff that bought.  I hate that feeling!  I just wish I could get something, love it, and wear it.   I do it at thrift stores no problem, but I'm feeling real anxious about my purchases today.  I don't know why, they were gifted to me!

The hardest thing about shopping today was getting stuff in my real size.  I kept trying on things that were too big for me, and they made me look bigger than I am.  After roaming the store for a while, I finally approached the sales staff for assistance and they were a tremendous help. Although we put together some great outfits at the store, I'm not sure I want to keep them all.  I bought three pairs of pants in size 7.  I felt like I had no business walking out of that store with size 7 anything!  But they fit me.  A very surreal moment.  I have never, in my adult life, fit into such a small size.

It's such a strange process to go through, self acceptance after weight-loss.  I'm still getting used to the new me and I feel panicky and anxious at times when I'm doing something where my size is in question.  One of the sales girls that helped me today corrected my size because when I told her a size that I thought I was, she gave me that size as well as the next size down and told me to try both.  Others see me differently than I see myself.  They have no idea that I was morbidly obese a year and a half ago.  They look at me in my Value Village Danier leather coat, new haircut and 5 in 5 make-up regime that Kristjan gave me and assume that I'm full of confidence.  The truth is that sometimes I feel like a fraud.  Sometimes I feel like I'm living a life that isn't mine.  It's one I dreamed of for many years and now that it's reality, I'm just waiting to wake up and for everything to be the way it used to.  The first thing I do every morning when I wake up is feel for my hip bones just to assure myself that I am no longer morbidly obese.  Then I take a deep breath, and start my day in a body that I still can't believe is mine.